As we sit here in a bar playing hooky from our day job, we started thinking about NCAA tournament etiquette. When it comes to tourney time there are some rules of behavior that one must conform to. Otherwise people will find you gauche and uncouth and other old-timey words that mean “jackass”. We here at Athletic Support have drawn up a short quiz on how to behave during this important time.

Question 1:

Your Boss has just invited you out to lunch during the tourney, with the implicit understanding that this will be a longer than normal lunch, and one at which a few beers may be consumed (this is common during the tournament and one of the main reasons that this event is costing our economy billions and speeding our eventual takeover by the Chinese– Fun!). Which of the following is the best option?

A: Turn down the invite while muttering something about the damn commies and how good they are at math.

B: Turn him down, saying you have a lot of actual work to do.

C: Accept the offer while screaming, “Woohoo! Woohoo! Me gonna drinky drinky during the day!”– and then run around the office like a monkey while flinging poo.

D: Turn him down, suggesting that the tournament is a clear attempt by the patriarchy to keep women barefoot and pregnant and one of the reasons for the continuing pay gap between the genders.

Answer: (C) You must never turn down such an invitation. It doesn’t matter if you act like a cracked out ape while doing it, it’s still better than turning down such an offer.

Question 2:

After the first weekend, thanks to being a sublime basketball genius, you are leading your office pool. Congrats. However, this is a critical time, one that must be handled with subtlety and grace. Coworkers will be watching you, testing you:
Monday morning, one of them (let’s call him “Steve”) comes up to you and asks how your bracket is looking. Which of the following responses is the most correct?

A: Run to your computer, print 500 copies of your bracket, wallpaper his cube with them and say “Gee Steve, I don’t know how it’s looking, maybe you can tell me?”

B: Smack Steve repeatedly with a wad of money, and tell him to squeal like a pig.

C: Hump Steve’s leg, question his sexuality and loudly blather on about how great your bracket is looking and how you just knew that UNLV was going to win.

D: Drive to Steve’s house, cuckold him, steal his dog, make his children love you, and pee in his pool. Drive back to office, look at him nonchalantly and reply, “It’s looking pretty good so far. How’s yours?”

Answer: (D). It’s all about being a classy and graceful winner.

Key:
0 correct: You’re a loutish pig.
1 correct: You’re a man-donkey hybrid who should be kept away from children.
2 correct: You’re cool with us buddy.