He Let His Hair Down
Aug 16th, 2008 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: News
Hair enthusiasts throughout the United States were sent reeling last week when John Edwards admitted partaking in certain extracurricular activities with a former staffer, thus committing political suicide and erasing any hope that the “man with the perfect hair” might one day reach America’s highest office. Senior Vice President of The Society for the Betterment of Follicle Health (SBFH), Curly Tresses, issued a brief statement last night from the steps of his mansion in Bangs, Maine, cutting all remaining ties with Edwards’s hallowed locks: “Though we have supported John Edwards’s hair in the past, we cannot as an organization continue to brush aside the cowlicks of his twisted, knotted soul; he has left us all stranded. We will comb him from our memory, untangle him from our thoughts, crop him from our minds… [Sniffle] we’ll just need a little time to straighten our heads [Sniffle]… keep things balanced and even. But I assure you were not just blowing hot air here; this is a full service wash and a clean cut from the cranium: Operation Johnny Buzz-Cut. I wish you all a good hair day [Weeping]… notice the tip jar [Sniffle] … Thank you.” [Dies]
Coincidentally, all of this brouhaha coincided with the SBFH’s publication of their yearly list of
the top-ten heads of presidential hair, leading some to believe that this extremely silly article was written as a ruse to get you to read one of our features… Hmmm.
lol, “Dies”! that’s funny shit.
I meant it to be serious, but thanks anyway.
It’s sad that the SBFH must issues such statements, and commit ritual seppuku, to clarify that there is no proven link between good hair and fornication. Why, that’s almost as preposterous as saying there’s some sort of link between smoking and cancer! I mean, so what if people who dilly-dally with Suzie-Floozies choose to hide themselves among the angelic and well-tressed? The road to adultery, of course, begins with hating God and handing out welfare. Everyone knows the Democrats just hand out entitlements for the “chicks.”
What’s really disturbing is how these liberalizing womanizers have been infiltrating the G.O.P., going so far as to vote Republican from birth and constantly speechify for family values, only to show their true-blue yellow-bellies and get caught having an affair. They’ve been so effective in recent years that it may seem, to the unskilled layman, that the Republicans are not truly any more moral than the Democrats!
One look at Dan Quayle may reassure us that there are true-blooded Republicans with great hair who have never had extramarital sex. In fact, one may be quite sure that Quayle is so pure an American as to never have had marital sex! I am told his children were in fact “test tube babies,” which speaks volumes to his commitment to science.
Why is Dan Quayle not president yet? The SBFA has tirelessly lobbied for him, yet the “blue states” reject him merely because he refuses to be bound by conventional spelling. He would be the best-haired President, past or future!
I must clarify that I am taking a stand with the Great Quayle by adding an “S” to “must issue.” It’s prettier that way.