Top-Ten Heads of Presidential Hair
Aug 16th, 2008 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Political Pinions
Receiving Me? obtained the following article from The Society for the Betterment of Follicle Health.
Our Completely Irrefutable Presidential Hairdo Review
First, a few notes on recent presidential candidates (just for fun):
John Edwards. The cheating cheat! He’s unworthy of the hair on his own head. Can we touch, can we touch?
Barack Obama. Well groomed, but he should really think of employing a cut that better distracts from his ears.
John McCain. Simple, elegant, and boring. Blah!
Hillary Clinton. Were she a man, and ever elected president, she would likely make the list below– some staff members are fighting over this one (the “man thing” that is).
Mitt Romney. Even a society dedicated to follicle health knows a douchebag when they see one, but damn that is some fine looking hair!
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The top-ten heads of presidential hair:
1. John F. Kennedy. Marilyn Monroe ran her fingers through this hair on many occasions, that is when Jackie O. wasn’t busy doing so. Need we say more?
2. Andrew Jackson. Perfected the Superman curl before the man of steel was but a twinkle in Jerome Siegel’s eye.
3. Abraham Lincoln. Many generations have tried to adopt the just-got-out-of-bed look, but honest Abe plain owned it.
4. Bill Clinton. Primped to perfection with hours of blow-drying (his hair that is), Bubba would have cracked the top three if every woman he was attached to didn’t remind us of Medusa.
5. Franklin Pierce. Johnny Depp keeps a picture of President Pierce’s slick but wild do taped to his mirror, only without the picture.
6. Thomas Jefferson. According to legend, his hair was red at one time and quite dapper—of course, finding a portrait in which he has anything but white “mad scientist hair” is near impossible. Anyway, his pate earned him the nickname “Red Fox” which conjures memories of Sanford and Son, which (obviously) earns him bonus points. (Incidentally both “Sanford” and “Son” had awesome hair.)
7. The first president to ever willingly exhibit a passion for the blow-dryer; Jimmy Carter paved the way for future dry follicle lovers everywhere. If only he didn’t bear such a striking resemblance to every character on CHIPS, he surely would have ranked several notches higher.
8. Ulysses S. Grant. Pretty much the perfect hair/beard combination. It’s the sort of hair that makes you feel like you’re about to get your ass kicked, but you’ll totally be invited for drinks afterwards. Think Deadwood.
9. Martin Van Buren. This man knew how to be bald. Why go for the Patrick Stewart look when you can have sideburns that reach out into separate area codes. If Van Buren had lived in a different time period, he could have made one hell of a Penguin to Adam West’s Batman, or a grandpa Munster, or even a Wolverine in like X-Men 37 (the possibilities really are endless)! A perfect example of turning lemons into something really fucking awesome.
10. Ronald Reagan. The greasiest of the top-ten (especially in his second term), the man wasn’t afraid of plasticizing his head, but there’s no denying that movie star wave that sprung up amidst his parted locks. In fact, if it weren’t for the awesomeness of Reagan’s hair, a lot more people probably would have noticed that the guy underneath was practically dead– think Weekend at Bernie’s, only his hair is playing the part of the two stoners and, since he’s the president, it’s really not that funny. Great hair, though!
‘Till next year, remember: No president has ever sported a rattail, but it’s never too late! …Wait! Yes it is! For God’s sake, yes it is!
I have to disagree with you about Jackson. Superman would never appear in public looking like that unkempt hippy. I always thought that McJagger carried the Jackson hair torch.
True, but there’s no denying that trademark curl!
Word. To be honest, the man has long been an inspiration for my own coiffure.
Again, this obsession with foxes emerges! To compare Jefferson to a fox is to compare Theodore Roosevelt to kibbles and bits. Jefferson almost amended the Constitution to prohibit comparisons between himself and foxes, and would have succeeded had not the delegate from traitorous Rhode Island turn-coated. So you may thank the lowly Providentials and Newporters for your narrow escape from a year spent pilloried in a cage of no fewer than four hungry mongeese.
How you can possibly place Kennedy first and Reagan last on this list is well beyond my ken. Reagan’s hair is legend and lives on, in a retirement home near Albuquerque with Nixon’s upper lip.
Interesting Footnote: Andrew Jackson was in fact Jor-El’s great uncle. He was exiled from Krypton as punishment for his excessive manliness.
It’s good to see Handsome Frank Pierce in a top ten list. He usually shows up in lists of the worst U.S. Presidents.
Click on my name above to read more about Franklin Pierce’s famous hair.
David C.,
That is an incredible amount of information/research on Franklin Pierce’s hair. I’m impressed! We here at Receiving Me? like to write articles free from the restraints of information and research, but it’s good to see that it can be done the other way as well.
Thank you. I have placed a link to your post at my blog, Lugubrious Drollery. I am still trying to plumb the depths of your zen koan-like statment, “Johnny Depp keeps a picture of President Pierce’s slick but wild do taped to his mirror, only without the picture.”
Thank you for the link!!!
Now, back to the subject at hand:
Much like coming to an understanding of any of the 1,700 documented Zen Koans, under normal circumstances, one can unlock the mystery of the Pierce quote by reaching a transcendent state of being or paying an expert (like me) lots of money for help. But, because you seem like an extremely nice person, I’ll make an exception and offer you two clues: The first is a hypothetical situation in which I think about taping a picture of someone that looks just like me to my mirror, but forgo actually doing so, since looking at my reflection serves the same purpose. The second is an article that I just wrote detailing the absurdity of my writing and why none of it makes any sense. Shalom.
http://receivingme.com/blog/archives/1141
Also, your Pierce bobblehead is killer!
Gary Indiana,
I have decided that my next article will have absolutely no references to foxes at all! The piece will be entitled, “Culpeo Mio, Jamie and Micheal J.– Clever as Canids, Crafty as Vulpines, Crazy as Chrysocyons”. I’m sure this will be a fox free affair.
While a successful presidency eluded Franklin Pierce, the superior quality of his hair cannot be disputed. It is hair redolent with integrity, patriotism, judgement and, most importantly, small town values. For relief from this years religion, please do visit the Franklin Pierce Pages and refresh yourself in a simpler time.
Alas, the current Presidential candidates offer little in the way of pileous splendor, but at least we can revel in the cheesiness of Biden’s hair plugs and Palin’s prom up-do.