Although Barack Obama has named Senator Joseph Biden as his vice presidential running mate, many deserving, talented individuals were overlooked in the process. The following is a list of some of the most viciously slighted, ranked in order from “please make this happen” to “Earthtopia”. Perhaps Senator John McCain will take note.

Dave Chapelle. What he lacks in reliability, he makes up for in entertainment value. Best of all, he’s capable of shutting down Saturday Night Live (once and for all!), by giving the White House a resident impersonator who’s actually funny. Social beneficence of that magnitude alone should win him the job (please!).

Battle Cat/Cringer. No one knows better how to go from cowering absentee to heroic sidekick than He-Man’s feline friend, Battle Cat/Cringer. B C/C has all the schizophrenia required to flourish in the equal parts total anonymity and rash celebrity of veephood. It is, however, unlikely that B C/C is interested in becoming Vice President of The United States while already being Vice Master of The Universe. Indeed, sources close to “the big cat” acknowledge that, even to people living outside France, it sounds like a demotion.

Wolf Blitzer. Mostly, I just like his name, I always have. But there’s more to it than that: he’s really comfortable on camera, which, as you know, is one of the most important skills we look for in our political leaders; also, he’s good at reading from teleprompters, which is the other skill we look for. Unfortunately, he has a beard, so that disqualifies him, Doh! Elections and Beards

Barack Obama. There are some compelling reasons to consider Barack Obama for vice president in either party or both. Obama, himself, went so far as to confess this last week while speaking in front of a small gathering of ten million fans: “We all know I’m the man, and anyone I decide to add to my ticket will just make my election less awesome– nobody wants that, especially people like you who worship me. So, I’m proposing an Obama/Obama ticket in a similar way in which God and Jesus are two entities and yet one. It comes down to me being the best person for me to serve under… and over. I’m sure you all love this and feel compelled to applaud and jump up and down spontaneously during this pause… And for the record, it is unnecessary to pray to me twice; once is sufficient.” Scenario two: McCain/Obama. A McCain/Obama ticket insures that at least one person in the White House is around to say things like, “So, is there a ‘not bombing’ option?”, “Sir, I believe it’s spelled with two ‘C’s’,” and “Yes, one of them is capitalized.” That’s important stuff. In addition, I’m certain there is a third reason. (By the way, when writing for a humor magazine always have three reasons; the last one should be really funny– never break this rule.) Joe Biden.

MacGyver. Want to lower the US national deficit tomorrow? Bring in MacGyver. Next thing you know, jets are made out of recycled bubblegum wrappers, healthcare is replaced by duct tape, and several branches of government are phased out for paperclips. Most importantly, Germans love us again. MacGyver in German

Chef. How cool would it be to have a Vice President that sounds like the late, great Isaac Hayes? Damn cool, sucka! That V.P. would be one badass motha… (Shut Ya Mouth!)… I’m just talkin’ about Chef! (Then We Dig It!) But seriously, why play “Hail to the Chief” when you can enter a room to Chef’s “Chocolate Salty Balls.” I know there’s enough good out there in the universe to make this happen! Inspirational Video

Rita Moreno. A legendary singer, dancer and actress, she’s the first woman to win an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. This makes her distinctly more awesome than anyone else ever considered for the vice presidency (that is besides, perhaps, a few folks on this atypical list). Downside: even in her older age, maybe too sexy.

KITT. Anyone willing to take orders from David Hasselhoff is really accommodating– add to that a bag of tricks that puts even the Clintons to shame, and a demeanor unruffled by even the most dangerous of situations, and you see why KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand) makes a perfect V.P. choice. The pièce de résistance: KITT runs on hydrogen gas: BOOM!- a candidate who pioneered greenhouse friendly technology in 1982! One downside, however: KITT sounds like a woman’s name, but the car is officially “male”; there goes the redneck vote.

Yo-Yo Ma. Yo-Yo Ma is brilliant and has never made a mistake. I believe this could be useful in a government setting, although it’s never been tried before. Let’s give him a shot anyway.

Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s rebellious and a bit eccentric, but rest assured he will save the day in the end– and he’ll do it with style and awesome music in the background. Plus, he has a pirate accent, so he won’t need to change the way he speaks for National Speak Like a Pirate Day– which has got to be at least as important as looking good while reading from a teleprompter. Technically, he’s not American, but, as a pirate, he’s accustomed to breaking rules, and I’m not certain he doesn’t sound exactly like an American doing a pirate accent. It’s hard to tell. Finally, he’s immortal (usually), so he’s a very reliable backup plan in case of… how to put this delicately?… extreme old age.

Chewbacca. The loyalist of sidekicks, unafraid to kick ass and roar (as long as things aren’t too icky), Chewy is practiced in the art of standing in the shadows of men half his size– perfect credentials for Veep, eh? Furthermore, he’s a beast of few words, so the standard, interminable soap box lectures are gone! Finally, it’s really funny when the 7 foot 4 and ¾ inch Wookie gets scared of stuff– a little personality quirk that provides needed distraction during joint session meetings!

E. J. Mills. Okay, you may not know who this guy is, but you should. E. J. Mills is the head football coach at Amherst College; simply put, he’s the most disciplined human being you’ll ever meet. I don’t think he ever stops working, I’m certain he doesn’t sleep, and nobody has ever seen him get tired– either he hides it well, or he is part of a master race that has phased out human inefficiency. He also calls any male “big guy” (regardless of their actual size), which raises any man’s self-esteem ten-fold and insures lifelong friendship; that’s foreign relations gold! (Don’t worry, the ladies love him too, and who can blame them? Purple never looked so good! [Growl!]) Plus, he’s a team player, so, just as long as the actual president is insanely productive, he won’t mind being second in charge. Trust me, he’ll solve any government problems through sheer tenacity and willpower, and he’ll do it all while kicking Willams’s ass! What more can you really ask for? My prediction: his personal motto, “Crank it up!” will inspire a whole new generation of balls-to-the-wall politicians; those bumber stickers will sell like hotcakes! (FYI: he’s actually whispering in that picture.)

John McCain, if you are reading this, I accept checks, credit cards, cash and military decorations.