ST. PAUL, MN – It was to be a triumphant night for presidential hopeful John McCain. Balloons were stuffed into net bags and dragged to the rafters in preparation for their release on to what would no doubt be an ecstatic sea of Republican delegates.ƒ Smoke machines and laser rigs were at the ready, and the steady beat of classic rock and mechanized country music filled the auditorium with an electric energy.

But before any of the fun stuff could happen the delegates had to endure some speeches.  President Bush lead off the evening, unfortunately circumstances (restraining order) kept him from attending in person, still all felt that his endorsement of John McCain hit salient points. The president first pointed out that he and Mr. McCain had their differences “John is an independent man who thinks for himself…He’s not afraid to tell you when he disagrees. Believe me, I know.”* Bush then carefully and reasonably argued that Mr. Obama’s first act in the White house would be to sprinkle anthrax over the heartland, a plan the McCain has been strongly against. The president went on to say, “John McCain is a good man, a family man, the kind of man who, if, he fathered an illegitimate African American child would keep it a secret, doubly so if said child did not actually exist. Mr. Obama on the other hand has two real black children and is so bold as to live with them. For shame sir!”†

But this was only the opening act. Former senator Fred Thompson riled the crowd up with his spot on impersonation of fat-cat blowhard, calling Mr. Obama “The most inexperienced nominee ever to run for president,* with the possible exception of myself.”† Afterwords Mr. Thompson consented to a brief interview with our staff on the floor of the convention center. “I never knew that “The West Wing” had so many die hard fans. It’s like these people actually think I’m in politics.”† When it was pointed out to Mr. Thompson that he had been a senator from Tennessee he said, “Yeah, that was hilarious. I told my agent that I wanted to do some research, and he landed me that gig. Believe me, if I had known it was going to last for eight years I would have passed.”†

Batting cleanup on this historic night was one Joseph Lieberman, who was pretending to be a democrat for the night. “What, after all, is a Democrat like me doing at a Republican convention like this?”* he asked rhetorically. “Well basically what happened was I stopped supporting any of the democratic platform, so those jerks ran somebody against me in the primary and won. But I had Joementum and beat the pud in the general election. Now I still pretend to be a democrat because it really ticks off actual democrats.”† But Mr. Lieberman’s biggest cheers came during his endorsement of Mr. McCain. “I’m here to support John McCain because* he is both a crotchety old bastard and pariah within his own party. And that is something I can put some Joementum behind.”†

*Actual Text, † Sub-text, ƒ a delegate is like a member of the kiss army, but political.