There’s a time and a place for all things, and now is the time for great learning. So, you know your ABC’s; you know of the space/time continuum; you know the eminent musical minds of generations; you know of the pleasure of beer; but do you know of the Chan? Here is a pleasure of which without, your life is a meaningless collection of platitudes and flagellation. For without the Chan, life is not life at all and smells of ass. But with the Chan, life is enthralling and smells of the sweet fragrant nectars of the gods’ good smelly stuff. So, I say unto you in the words of the Chan himself (translated here for clarity and dramatic tension): “Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.” Repeat this mantra daily for mental and spiritual clarity– three times before each meal and four times before any sexual relations; this will remind you of your mortality and save you from the indignation of the injuries that would have ensued if you had attempted that pretzely thing you read about in the Kama Sutra. Such twisty body contortions are for the Chan and the Chan alone. Your joy comes by way of watching and saying, “Holy shit!” And much joy it will be! For the Chan will open your life to the limitless possibilities of what you can’t do; knowledge that will bring you true humility; humility which will bring you true veneration; and veneration which will bring you closer to understanding your unworthiness of the Chan. But the Chan giveth nonetheless. For it is the guiding principle, the generous spirit of the Chan, to perpetually absolve all followers their athletic deficiencies and derelict comic timing.

Now perhaps you have lived a life without the Chan and feel no compulsion to be new baptized. I say unto you brothers and sisters: Can you really renounce the Chan if you have never embraced it? No! A thousand times, NO! You’re like a child renouncing adulthood, a charlatan renouncing honesty, a straight guy renouncing gay marriage. You know not of its beauty until you bring it into your life. But when you do, my friends, but when you do… the world is your virtual playground and the Chan is your in-game character. And with the Chan you will fight many foes and experience many platonic relationships with gorgeous Asian women, and perform many twirly acrobatic stunts, and share candid mishaps and goofy injuries with millions of onlookers, and make yourself laugh while doing all that stuff. It’s pleasurable and more fun than being Protestant.

But perhaps you still remain unwilling to make the leap of faith. Comfort, the status-quo, and off-key group singing are your gods. Well, the Chan is patient; but salvation only comes through acceptance; and if you choose unholy paths, the smite of the Chan will smart your tubby, inflexible, unfunny soul at judgment day. So be warned and remember the Chan way smells better.

If, on the other hand, you are willing to accept, nay, embrace the ways of the Chan, your first reading will be from Chan chapter 1 verse 1: “Fearless Hyenna”. This verse will make you wise in the ways of chopsocky-comedy, for which the Chan is creator, founder, and holyf@#$er! Other readings will follow, providing you have shown sufficient unworthiness and genuflection.

I leave you with this: Let the Chan flow through you and it will give you great insight into the world. It’s like an energy field that surrounds all living things and penetrates them and binds them together, reminding them “he can jump from there” and “I can’t” and “study computers”.

‘Till next time…Hi-yah!