Now that the major party candidates have been vetted, selected, serenaded, and airbrushed into plastic perfection it’s time to get down to the business of actually voting for someone. Poling data shows that the average Receiving Me? reader is attentive, intelligent, ideologically focused, and my mother. People of such discriminating taste aren’t going to settle for what’s offered just because it has a chance of winning. No, when you believe that dolphins should have voting rights, that our machines will soon rise against us, and that flat tax would be a good idea, you can’t settle for “well I really hate that one dude, so I’ll vote for the one who I’m not all that familiar with, on the off chance that I won’t hate him later.” Thank god we have options, and thank god that Receiving Me? is here to give you the rundown on them.

Pat Buchanan - unaffiliated: Pat is this year’s inductee into the third party hall of fame on Quixote hill. In many ways he is 2008’s ultimate dark horse candidate. For one thing he’s not running. But this shouldn’t stop a handful of militia members and Wisconsin Nazis from voting for him, provided they can be talked into leaving their houses/tents without their guns for long enough to vote. You may be asking yourself, why would anyone for that hateful man. There are a few reasons for this, one is that he’s on TV, and two is that he may be the only nationally known figure who’s right of Cheney.

Chuck Baldwin – Constitution party: The constitution party is pretty much like the libertarian party, but with extra homo/xenophobia. Mr. Baldwin has a radio show or something, and believes that 9/11 may have been a conspiracy. Mr. Baldwin is also against the New World Order, which is something like the five Jewish bankers only they might be Masons or something, the point is this - shadow organization bent on world domination. Chuck has already gained my approval by not requiring me to come up with any jokes about him or his party.

Bob Barr – Libertarian party: Bob is a former congressman in recovery. You see, government is an addiction, one that keeps you from seeing the absolute purity of markets, and how they should be controlling everything. Bob saw that markets work the best when there are no regulations, just look at mortgages. Bob also believes that personal property is yours, and the government shouldn’t have any thing to do with what you do there, I mean c’mon, it’s you asbestos and your farm, what’s the big deal if you want to open a school there? Bob wants you to remember one more thing, every time the government does something, anything, a puppy cries.

Cynthia McKinney – Green party: Cynthia is a former congresswoman and democrat. Her chief claim to fame is being the congresswoman who was assaulted by the capital police on her way to the office. Cynthia is another one who thinks that there is something fishy about that whole 9/11 thing, she also would like to reopen the investigation in Martin Luther Kings assassination (timely) and Tupac Shakure’s murder (??). No one has ever explained to me what the green party stands for, but I do know that most of it’s adherents that I’ve met believe in recreational drug use as a way of life, and that unicorns belong on the protected species list.

Charles Jay – Boston Tea Party: The Boston Tea Party is what the libertarian party was before they sold out to big government. Were as the libertarian party might concede that the government should build bridges, the BTP feels that market forces will build the best possible bridge. Charles is boxing promoter. In 2004 he ran for the Personal Choice party with running mate Marylyn Chambers.

Almost everything above is true, including the part about Marylyn Chambers

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