What does one write for a first blog? I have no idea who my audience is and I can only hope that you have some vague notion of who I am–that is: nobody. Why should a nobody have a blog? I say why not?! And furthermore I promise more entertainment than the next guy; assuming the next guy is a hack. Let’s begin!

I have many theories I’d like to share with you my unknown audience. First, there’s the Theory of Relativity. Technically not my theory and technically I don’t understand it, but you should google it anyway and learn something about it, or at least learn what has been written by a bunch of people who largely have no business writing about such things. I’m all about education, and book learnin’ and google. You’re going to learn things here baby. Stick around! So, the theory of relativity… IMPORTANT! And let me tell you if you still think it has to do with distinguishing your cousin from your wife, your dog from your son, you’re getting warm. If not, you may be getting some “other things”, and I might suggest the Theory of Evolution. That’s a whole different theory that involves a lot of controversy, pigheadedness, homozygosity, and naming your dog Chip… it’s complicated and bad for babies. For instance: have you ever seen Batboy? Now clearly one of his parents did not understand Evolution, and I’m not talking about the bat. Google that stuff baby. “Evolution”, you better know it– unless you want your offspring exploited in the next freak-show Broadway style musical. Don’t let your son or daughter be the next Boy George. Don’t do it! Nobody wants that, not even Boy George. Well, that’s enough for now about the Theory of Relativity and Evolution. I’ll get into more detail when I feel like it. Let’s move on to an equally important theory: Big Bang Theory.

Now, we’ve all seen the sites– whether you’ll admit it or not, I know you have– we’ve gotten the emails with the graphic images– you know those emails that those companies keep sending, despite the fact that you’ve NEVER searched the internet for anything involving penises or vaginas or the interaction of those two– and we’ve all thought, “there is no actual Big Bang”. Well, once again a simple google search settles this dispute definitively. The Big Bang is supported by science! Which means, if you’ve read this far, there is no way you are smart enough to dispute it, or you are so lazy and apathetic towards actual knowledge and facts that you just fell asleep. Anyway, my extensive research (I’m talkin’ Google page TWO) shows that in all likelyhood you missed the original Big Bang by a few billion years, and the pictures you are seeing in those emails are recreations. I tried to find out about these recreations and came across this enlightening quote on Wikipedia “support for the Big Bang comes from mathematical models, called Friedmann models”. Now, what makes these models “mathematical”, other than their bountiful bust lines, I really have no idea, but I’m not one to argue with science, especially when it looks that good. And if you’ve seen the same pictures I have, I think you’d agree that what they do is more than just “support” the Big Bang. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that without these models, there would be no Big Bang, there would be no Small Bang, there would be no Medium sized Bang, there would be no Bang at all! Their role is integral to the whole Bang element. But models never get any respect in the scientific community. That’s the price they pay for perfectly groomed pubes. But it’s not justice… it’s Wikipedia… and I’m here to call Wiki or Wik or W. whoever the hell out! Not on my shift, baby! I’m all about equality, especially when it comes to insanely hot porn models. In my mind they’re all equal! Now, common, that’s a scientific theory we can all get behind. And with that, I leave you my friends… until next time, keep studying!

A word to the wise: Wash your hands, even if you aren’t an employee, even if you don’t have a job! I don’t care. Just wash them. They smell like shit!