ENTRY #4
Feb 23rd, 2008 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Unhealthy Living
First, let me say: if you are waiting for me to write something intelligent before posting a comment, you’re in for a long wait. Second, if you read ENTRY #3 and noticed the “To Be Continued” and assumed I would actually continue at some point, say perhaps like –now–, maybe we’ve never met before? My name is Bernard Bygott. You’ll get used to me. Or at least you’ll learn to tolerate me. I’m like the half-eaten banana you left in the paper bag that one time: kinda gross, but you’ll remember me, even if you don’t finish the banana. Uh yeah… moving on…
In this next post I would like to explore “playing the guitar”. I have a friend who claims if you 1) are a man, 2) play the guitar, and 3) don’t resemble the Elephant Man and Cruella De Vill’s secret lovechild, you are a sexual juggernaut. That is, all women want to sleep with you and all men, without “dreamy calloused fingers”, want to be you. You’d think, based on this theory, my friend would have started playing the guitar by now (15 years, or so, after his initial discovery of said theory) but no. Maybe he’s afraid, given his mad skills with the female persuasion, sans guitar strumming, he would simply monopolize the market, and there wouldn’t be any women left for the rest of us. Or maybe he’s a lazy bastard. But that’s another story for another day. I, on the other hand, have a perfectly legitimate excuse for not buying a guitar: I’m waiting for Esteban to drop his price to $19.99 (guitar strap and pick must be included!). I figure once he does this, the guitar will be made of recycled newspaper and rubber bands and no one will be able to tell if I really know what I’m doing: “This thing sucks. You should here me on my Martin–it’s in the shop. Want to shag?” See, I’ve got it all planned out! Now, if only Esteban would be willing to sell crappy guitars on, say, national television, my plan would be complete. Hey, a boy can dream! So why can’t I?
Of course, once you have become a guitar playing sexual juggernaut there are still ways to distinguish yourself from the other juggernauts. I know, it’s greedy… but for some people perfection just isn’t enough. The most obvious distinguishing factor is your ability to sing and play at the same time. Sure, every woman enjoys listening to her ten thousandth instrumental version of House of The Rising Sun– ’cause it’s YOUR version! But, if you can manage to both play and sing at the same time (even if you don’t know the words or pitches) then you have distinguished yourself from the pack. It’s like adding chocolate… to anything. And yes, some people’s chocolate is better than other people’s chocolate, but it’s still chocolate. Everybody likes chocolate. Now, don’t worry if you sound bad or you’re tone deaf. The type of music you are playing is not judged on that sort of criteria. And keep in mind that your audience’s mind is temporarily impaired, saturated with strange thoughts that float in and out, trancelike and pleasurable thoughts, thoughts like: “ooooooooohhhh woooooh maaaaaa gaaaaaaa gaaaaaa ahhhhhhh did I take my birth control? ooooooooohhhh woooooh maaaaaa gaaaaaaa gaaaaaa” etc. It’s like a biological flaw that you should just accept and be grateful for (I know, I ended that sentence with a preposition; but the other way sounded like ass). Don’t question it, or point out that this random skill has nothing to do with making you a better hunter or provider or whatever. Just thank god it’s there, and keep making up pitches!
Finally, there is the pinnacle of the guitar playing sexual juggernaut: the singer/songwriter. If you have attained this sort of status in the world, there is little chance that you have the time to read this blog, given the ratio of women throwing themselves at you versus hours in a day, or that you would even associate with your non-callous fingered brethren. But let’s say you’re on hiatus, exhausted from all that boot knockin’, or that you haven’t yet attained the title of “singer/songwriter” but you’re thinking about it, so you have the misfortune of being here. Good! I thank you for your readership. First off, if you are a singer/songwriter on “hiatus” follow these simple directions; move away from the computer; grab your guitar; find a telephone directory; open it to a random page; locate a name (that is neither a relative nor a member of the sex you’re not interested in sleeping with); call the number; wait for the person to pick up; when they pick up, ask them if they are 18 or older (varies in some states). If the answer is “yes”, say these exact words: “I wrote this for you”; pause… play song. You can thank me later. If the answer is “no”, repeat process until the answer is “yes”. It’s pretty simple and results are guaranteed. Why you were wasting your time here in the first place, I’ll never know. If, on the other hand, you are one of those people still thinking about making the transition from “guitar player” to “singer/songwriter”, notice the directions above and then start writing new lyrics to your favorite three chord song (you can also thank me later).
Until next time… keep studying!
10). So what sort of math is being done here? If it’s math that is more advanced than addition, subtraction, multiplication, or division… aren’t we over-complicating our whole number system? How do we really expect
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