Washington, DC – Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke called a press conference today to announce to end of our current system of federally backed cash and interdependent markets. Also announced were the end of interest rates, taxes, and civil authority above the tribal level.

“Americans should get ready to tighten their belts and make some tough financial decisions. I advise everyone to consider his or her options, and to err on the side of prudence. A wrong decision now could land you in a band of sun-worshiping cannibal bike nomads, a lifestyle which may not be for everyone.” Said Chairman Bernanke in an attempt to drive home the gravity of the situation.

The Fed then went on to give some advice to surviving in the changing world. “Job training is going to be key to success in the coming days. A bootblack-catamite is going to be more likely to succeed than either a bootblack or a catamite. I also strongly recommend that every American consolidate his or her assets materially, as the federal government is no longer backing the currency. Don’t throw those dollars away though, they are made of a high quality paper that will be difficult to find in the new world order.”

Mr. Bernanke made a striking image at the podium today, dressed as he was in the still bleeding human skin of former treasury secretary Henry Paulson. He was at times forced to repeat himself, hampered as he was by the lack of electronic amplification and his newly filed teeth. Still he soldiered on, determined to make the best of this, his last press announcement.

“The stronger among you may be permitted to join my band, we will rule as feudal lords the fertile valley along the Potomac River, formerly the capital the golden age republic known as the United States. Know that I am harsh to my enemies and just to my vassals. There shall be but one law in my lands, ‘Break a deal, face the wheel.’ Justice resides on the side of those who survive.”

Bernanke then signaled the end of the press conference by releasing a pack of Doberman/wolf hybrids on the press core.