The Garden, EDEN - In a shocking development, religious leaders at St. Saint’s Seminary School have found that according to religion, religion is true. Organizer, Father Padre Père, long a believer in his own religion, expressed hope that the findings would finally put to rest the modern argument that religion is based on superstitious beliefs that would normally be really silly. “There is sort of a poetic justice that religion proved itself, by itself. I’m not really sure why we ever looked elsewhere in the first place. I mean, historically, science and common sense have been no help at all! We really should have known better.”

The team at St. Saint’s Seminary was comprised of various religious leaders from across a myriad of faiths. Though some killed each other during the three-day study, all survivors agreed that religion was entirely provable. An attempt was made to contact the deceased leaders for their opinion, but arguments over the existence and/or precise details of a so-called “afterlife” resulted in further deaths, only complicating the matter. Despite the prodigious death rate, the outcome of the meeting was described by Muhammad Hammadum Dammahum as, “A great day. Everything I already knew was confirmed by things I already knew. This is real progress, and…” (Mr. Dammahum did not survive to complete the sentence.)

The proof that the three surviving religious leaders agreed on is based on a system of deductive reasoning in which one is asked if he or she can formulate a religious argument that can disprove anything already known to be true. Astonishingly, the religious leaders found that their respective doctrines could disprove nothing true at all. It therefore followed that their doctrines themselves were true– as a false doctrine would surely disprove truth, while a true doctrine would never disprove truth.

Regardless of the overwhelming stupidity brilliance of it all, some people (with brains) remain skeptical. Evolutionary Biologist, Aye Puh Mahn, issued a statement condemning the meeting as “suitable”. Receiving Me? attempted to reach Mr. Mahn for further comment, but (in a completely explainable twist of fate) Mr. Mahn slipped on a banana peel and fell into a catatonic state. A hospital chaplain visits him daily.