Before working in a cubicle this week, I had never even stepped inside one of these blissfully gray dead zones, but now that I have, I will never look at boring office work the same way again! These things are great!

If you thought you were dispassionate at the office before working in a cubicle, then you are living a life of hearty denial my friend! I invite workers everywhere to try one out and see just how difficult it is to have a conversation with people mere feet from you, or keep your eyes open. This simple, sleek, emotionless structure completely eradicates engagement with the world at large. As an added bonus, cubicles help people disengage with one another after working hours as well! Think of them as training wheels for people interested in being really close to one another, without caring about one another, or even acknowledging one another’s presence! Cubicle enthusiasts describe this bonus effect as being “cubed”, as in “Johnny was cubed! He doesn’t even talk to himself!” Cubicles with a high “Cubed ratio” (the average number of people cubed per cubicle) will fetch a pretty penny on Ebay these days– you know, that popular site created for the purpose of allowing people to buy stuff from one another without physically interacting with one another. And after spending a week in a classic low-walled gray model, I can understand why those prices are going up, up, up! When you actually experience complete withdraw from society, everything in life becomes much clearer. Before you’re cubed, life is a constant juggle between pretending to care about friends, lovers, co-workers and associates, but after you’re cubed, those words for “other people” can be efficiently dropped from your vocabulary!

Cubed people (Cubes), use the simple acronym IA (short for “inter-actor”) to describe anyone silly enough to complicate life by claiming existence outside the cube. A Cube that begins to doubt the existence of the IA’s, begins a journey towards a sort of Nirvana known as “Cubana,” where it is believed that Cubes experience a total loss of conceptual analysis, and existence becomes its own reward– they also get great cigars.

Receiving Me? will be selling recycled models, with certified high Cubed ratios, online for the low, low price of, get this… your soul!

So, how long do I have before I’m entirely merged with the cube? It’s really hard to say. Some people maintain an unusually high attachment to their surroundings; for these people, interaction with both organic and inorganic stimuli is seen as a potential source of pleasure. I, on the other hand, lead a life mostly devoid of that search. Every once in a while, I believe I remember the feeling of pleasure, but I’ve never been able to completely divorce it from heartburn or hemorrhoids. I suppose this makes me a pleasure Agnostic. Don’t expect me to pioneer any social techniques in the near future (inquiring minds may obtain sworn affidavits from justifiably angry ex-girlfriends). With that in mind, I give myself another three or four hours in the cube before I’m rendered completely non-responsive to anything but my most basic survival functions.

Oh yes, and… All hail the Cube!