A likely trio of illegal immigrants, liberal intelligentsia, and professional basketball players has joined forces to destroy America’s sporting traditions from within this free land.  Their goal is nothing less than destroying the American ideal of manhood through importing the “world’s game” to our shores, and implanting it in the soul of the nation’s youth.

Sport is a method of teaching youth society’s values and preferred virtues.  The rules of our chosen games reflect the battles young men will later encounter from boardrooms to airport bars.  How insidious then to replace American football, with its emphasis on frequent and arbitrary line drawing, brutality, and dogmatic adherence to pre-planned scripts, with a sport that trumpets individual creativity, spur of the moment decision-making, and moments of sublime beauty!  Soon our sons will find hard-nosed negotiation distasteful.  They will chose professions based on their individual wont.  Instead of destroying bottles of spirits, they will spend their free time at museums of art or science.

Compare American football, a game where the lines are redrawn on every play, and the defense endlessly dares the offense to show its got the round and harries to cross the line of scrimmage, the first down line, the goal line.  Football teaches boys the fundamentals of success in American corporate life: endlessly drawing and crossing imaginary lines in a Punch and Judy contest to prove who can grind out a result.  Football is a game spent mostly in preparation, as players huddle the clock away planning the next outburst of brief brutality.  So too is most cubicle time spent creating various charts and colorful graphs, using various frustrating Microsoft programs, with the goal being that the graphs “give good meeting,” and are as divorced from the reality they depict as possible.

Soccer has only a few lines that mean anything significant, and one of those is in constant flux, controlled by the defense!  How European to make the defensive line a tribute to relativism!  To trap the offense into a position with no semantic meaning!  How long until soccer’s governing bodies insist that officials judge the offside line not just by physical position on the field, but also by the societal, historical, and economic circumstance of the club playing the offside trap?

Our sons need saving from this morass of aesthetic beauty and creativity.  The most sensible policy is to assert our values in another traditionally American way: through our penal system.  Harsh sentences for possession of a soccer ball, worse for its use, and felony penalty for its distribution.  That will ensure soccer is spread only in American subcultures, where it can wreak its havoc with abandon.  Let the War on Soccer begin.  Otherwise, the next Don Draper could instead become the next Pepe Le Pew.