Wrinkles: Nobody really prepares you properly for these strange crevices that appear on your face. As a guy, I suppose, I’m not even supposed to acknowledge their existence. Or I’m supposed to pretend to be proud of them, ‘cause they make me look more like Sean Connery and less like Leonardo DiCaprio. But the fact of the matter is, most guys are not blessed with the type of wrinkles that make them credible, rugged action stars. That’s because most of us don’t look like movie stars to begin with- so, when you add in the wrinkles, you’re just adding insult to injury, no cool explosions, or special effects are generally included. Now, personally I spend an inordinate amount of my life squinting and contorting my face in bizarre ways- I call this “acting” (it’s what I do in my free time, when I’m not busy doing my real work here). So, given this penchant for facial contortion, I’ve managed to develop some crevices of which any gun wielding action hero twice my age would be quite proud. I’ve thought about picking up some ammunition belts, headbands, and Army fatigues, or at least some semi-automatic water pistols to complete the look, but there’s a part of me that knows maintaining any sort of “look” requires energy, organization, and commitment, in quantities that exceed my ambition and propensity for laziness.

Now, with the whole metro-sexual movement that sweeps this great land, there are many “products” one can use in attempt to reverse the wrinkling process. I don’t know whether these products are any more or less effective than snake oil, because using any product requires diligence which I’ve already mentioned I do not have; but somebody other than DiCaprio must be buying this stuff, because the “men’s product” section in CVS and Walgreen’s is actually a whole aisle now, and not just the one shelf with the extra expensive hair-goo and pube clippers. Maybe in the next ten or so years, enough guys will become comfortable with the idea of using this crap, that wrinkles will go the way of bellbottoms and the uni-brow, but odds are that some guys will just never allow “product time” to cut into their “drinking time”. You see, if you really want to capture the market, you need to take an entirely different approach: video games.

Yes, some men are already willing to trade in their manhood by using the same creams that women use (as long as the packaging says “for men” and indicates that the product does not actually remove their testicles). But many men will just never buy into this type of marketing ploy (refer to “drinking time” above). However, like the inclusion of chocolate in any women’s product, the inclusion of a video game in any men’s product, renders the item instantaneous goldmine potential. Video games are already becoming more interactive as players are (almost) achieving a modicum of exercise while waving their arms in athletic-like motions, and throwing game controllers through their plasma TV screens. So, why not develop a men’s skincare game? Let’s call it: “Skin, Skin, Revolution!” We’ll call the sequel: “Groom Hero!” (for men’s body grooming needs). The basic game play for both would involve applying beauty products directly to your skin, thereby making yourself, as well as the in-game-character, more attractive. The more attractive the in-game-character, the more points he collects, which in turn upgrades the character’s ability to stand upright and use his opposable thumbs, as well as the classics: an increase in his jumping ability and choice of more and more destructive weaponry. I suppose a shave-controller would be sold separately for use with “Groom Hero!”, but maybe it could double as a normal electric shaver, and cheese grater for non-gaming usage. The point is that there is a pleasure center in any man’s brain (born after 1970, or not secretly a Backstreet Boys superfan) that is entirely devoted to enjoying video games. This pleasure center is located in the exact same area as the beauty epicenter of a woman’s brain; this explains why a majority of professional gamers are ridiculously ugly men, while a majority of swimsuit models are ridiculously hot women. I’m all about the science, baby! But, if we infuse one epicenter with a little juice from the other, we can reverse this trend and destroy any reason for me to go on living.

Anyhow, with readership increasing at the astronomical rate of “undefined”, I know representatives for Nintendo and Microsoft will be reading this in the near future, and I hope they understand that I expect to make a pretty penny in commission when they start selling these games like flavored condoms. So, I’m warning, they better consult me before they get a bunch of genius Japanese computer scientists to do all the baby-talk programming, ‘cause without me they would never have made the leap from metro-sexual-obsession to men’s-skincare-and-grooming-gaming-sensation, and that’s a leap that just might make this world a more beautiful place, filled with a lot less wrinkly people. But since I’m already one of the wrinkled ones, and this plan includes ruining my monthly Victoria’s Secret appointments, they’ll need to make it worth my while, or at least hook me up with a couple of free shave-controllers!

‘Till next time… *BUZZ*