Beloved readers, Athletic Support would like to apologize for the delay in communications; we’ve been busy lately with our “job.” But we are back and feeling only slightly bitter about the fact that we can, at best, finish second in our office pool to some random girl who miraculously picked Davidson over Wisconsin. However, we’ve moved beyond this disappointment to focus on one of the eternal rights of Spring: Opening Day. With baseball’s return, Athletic Support’s thoughts turn once again to one of our favorite activities: Picking up women in bars while watching baseball.

Yes, there are few things we like more than going to a nice small bar, ordering a couple pints of Yuengling, watching a game, and waiting to get hit on. In fact, we enjoy it so much, we’re going to share our tips with you, dear reader, in an unusual bout of generosity. What follows is our step by step guide to picking up women while watching baseball:

Step 1: Go to a bar that is showing baseball on the TV. This is crucial. Otherwise you’re just a dude in a bar. But if it has televisions showing baseball, then you are a dude watching baseball in a bar. It’s paying attention to the details like this that enables you to be successful.

Step 2: Sit down at the bar. We like the middle of the bar. If possible, find a place with an empty seat or two next to it. Do not sit down between two large drunk men who look like angry badgers. If that’s the only option, stand and wait for another seat to open up.

Step 3: Pull out your reading material. Sorry, we forgot to mention that earlier. Step 1 really should be: find something to read. This is crucial. We put a lot of thought into the reading material and think that we’ve discovered the perfect thing: The Onion. A close second is the “New Yorker,” but the Onion is really the best. Just trust us.

Step 4: Watch baseball. Notice we didn’t say jump up and down with excitement like a marmoset with ADD. Also crucial. Just sit there and watch the game, leave the screaming and fist-pumping at home. A knowing smile and small shake of the head is the most emotion that you are allowed to show. Further, this reaction can and should be used when either good or bad things happen to your team.

Step 5: During commercials, look down at your reading material and read. No, really, actually read. Do not, repeat, DO NOT, use commercials as a time to scan the bar and check for ladies. They will come, trust us. But like the pot of yore, they will not come if they are being watched. If you must scope the lady situation, take a quick trip to the men’s room and get a lay of the land on your way there and back.

Step 6: Wait for ladies to talk to you. I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Why, you ask, would ladies talk to me? All you’ve had me do all night was get buzzed, watch some baseball, read a pretentious humor newspaper, and ignore women. This is true, but like alchemy turning lead to gold, these sorts of things just can’t be explained. For whatever reason, this sort of behavior seems to drive the ladies crazy. Now maybe they aren’t the best looking creatures you’ve ever seen, and they’re probably a little desperate if they’re talking to such a pathetic looking guy such as yourself, but still, they are females. Real, live, actual females. And they’re talking to you, while drinking. In other words, they’re exactly what you’ve been looking for. And besides, even if it doesn’t pan out, you’ve gotten drunk, enjoyed some baseball and caught up on your reading. So stop whining and get out there and enjoy the picking up ladies while watching baseball season, you lazy bastards.