8 am, April 8: Early morning sunlight floods my apartment, a large kegerater forages in the shadows and in the distance one can hear the mating call of a junk mail herd. In the midst of all this natural glory is a steaming heap of plastic bags. Apparently these common plastic bags, plastico ubiquitos, are not just an eyesore. In fact according to a recent report released by the Environmental Protection Agency, common plastic bags are the new top polluter in my apartment, narrowly edging out coffee filters and sulfurous broccoli farts. The reason for this is the staying power. While coffee filters and broccoli farts are known for their reproductive capabilities, they are both relatively short lived. The coffee filters move out once a week, and the farts are broken down inside the couch. Plastic bags are much longer lived. The life cycle of a plastic bag begins when it enters the apartment, usually in the guise of something harmless, such as food or batteries. From there it quickly finds its way to others of its kind, forming what is colloquially known as Bag Mountain. The bag then enters a state of hibernation of unknown duration, that is to say that no bag has ever moved on once entering bag mountain. As of press time Bag Mountain is threatening both the delicate dining room habitat and the popular television sector. If encroachment continues at the current rate both areas will be rendered lifeless by the year 2011.

Science is still looking for a solution to the bag problem. Some have suggested reducing the mass of Bag Mountain through immolation of the bags. Another popular hypothesis involves adapting Bag Mountain into the environment, perhaps as an ottoman. Some radicals have even suggested hand moving Bag Mountain across the street and letting the supermarket deal with it, but as of press time all of these theories remain in the realm of speculation.