Many people noticed that the 81st Oscars were a consciously toned down affair, a decision that was made, no doubt, in an attempt to make movie stars seem more like the largely unemployed public watching at home. However, one viewer, Gull E. Bull, a private detective from a place you definitely think is stupid, actually placed a call to 911 to report that someone had stolen Hollywood’s money.

A recording of the emergency call revealed Bull’s desperate concern that a broke Hollywood might produce action movies with subtitles or “feature actors with names I can’t pronounce.” In a moderately smarter segment of the call, Bull was not much smarter:

Once that damn Slum Dog Milionaire song won, I knew something was up. That’s when I called you guys. I know three bars of shouting when I hear it. I guess Hollywood didn’t have enough money for a full 16 bars. But don’t worry, I’m gonna start a “Save the Hollywood Charity” and we’re gonna restore the fortunes of those terribly poor movie moguls, one billion at a time!

According to sources close to the on-call emergency operator, Noah Help, Help did not have the heart to murder Bull or at least transfer him to psychiatric care.

Despite, or perhaps because of this neglected care, Bull remains hopeful that whoever stole Hollywood’s money will eventually be caught and brought to justice:

If some unfamous person starts making really cool big-budget films or holding fancy award ceremonies in this economy, we’ll have our man! It’s really only a matter of time before some one slips up and starts spending irresponsibly. Until then, we’ll have to treat everyone as a suspect… everyone, of course, except those financially battered members of the Academy.  

Delegates of the newborn Gull E. Bull Fan Club believe that Bull can sniff out the shit.*

*Several writers died in the making of that sentence.