Obama Gone Candid!
Feb 26th, 2009 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Political Pinions
President Barack Obama made some very large promises during his first speech to a joint session of Congress. For those viewers worried that overhauling healthcare, reversing the economy, saving education, fixing the auto industry, reestablishing the integrity of banks and customer access to loans, and ending two wars (while increasing troops and paying everyone involved a lot more) wasn’t enough, Obama even threw in a pledge to cure cancer. Liberal talking heads (most everybody) immediately suggested that the speech detailed the most ambitious presidential vision ever, while conservative pundits (Fox) accused it of being naïve and staggeringly expensive. It’s a good thing that everything changed once Obama became president… hmm…
In the spirit of real “change” RM? has drafted an alternate speech or addendum that might provoke an original response (probably not).
Members of Congress, etc. who I do and do not care about (you know who you are)….
It’s a good day to be king! Damn it’s sweet up here. Look at you and then look at me and then look at me some more. You will notice that I am one of the only fit people in this room, and I have more responsibility than all of you put together; how did that happen? Probably because I’m awesome. Also, because you are the sort of lazy bastards who spend an entire day waiting in a hall to get a good seat to hear me talk, instead of hitting the gym or at least, you know, doing your jobs. Meanwhile, I do my job, I do your job (which you should have been doing for the past eight years), and I’m doing some killer abdominal crunches right now behind this podium. Oh yeah, and now I’m supposed to entertain you… Okay, daddy can play that game, ‘cause daddy is king, so daddy gonna make some rules: From now on stop being a jackass. That’s right, it’s now officially illegal to be like Strom Thurmond. Go bother some other country. Seriously, I hate you, God hates you and you suck. Just stand up right now if you’re a jackass… good… leave this room and never come back. You are now a fugitive from the law - out of the awesomeness of my heart I’ll give you a head start, but you best be runnin’, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out… no, wait… actually, let the door hit you; trust me, that’ll work best for all of us. Okay, all of the assholes are gone, right? Perfect, ‘cause that’s the only rule; consider the government fixed. Now who said something about the congressional keg stand record? Kennedy? Should have guessed. Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Just let daddy finish this last set of crunches… OH YEAH… IT IS GOOD TO BE KING! Wait… Lieberman, what the hell are you doing here? Don’t make daddy mad! One drink and you’re gone!
Neither Obama, nor his representatives could be reached for comment. A homeless man, however, suggested that the speech might need more “alcohol parts.” RM? bathed its offices in gin in atypical
preparation. [Editor's Note: we normally use Wild Turkey - the bird, not the drink... you don't want to know.]
RM? is proud to report that Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, has requested writers for RM? pen his next speech. Some at RM? are hesitant to accept the offer given the comic brilliance of Jindal’s most recent address to the nation.
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