I just don’t know what to make of this behavior. You say you want to do better, that you love your mother but then this… outrage. Palestine, how many times have I told you not to get Israel riled up by shooting her with rockets, you know how sensitive she is. And Israel, I politely asked you to respect Palestine and to stop putting settlements his side of the line, he may seem gruff, but he does have feelings, and what do you do? Honestly it’s enough to make a mother despair.

So here we are… again. The two of you acting like you are the biggest most important places on the whole wide planet. “Look at me, Pay attention to me; I’m having a big loud confrontation!” I had hoped that at least one of you would have grown up by now. Instead I’m getting all these reports about dynamite vests, brutal occupations, and thousands dead. Honestly, after sixty years of this nonsense I’m just about ready to wash my hands of the two of you. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?

I don’t care who started it I just want it finished. Do you think that this is all I have to do with my time? That I can just sit around all day judging a biggest baby competition between Israel and Palestine. I just can’t believe the selfishness. Did you know that while the two of you were fighting Mexico had another relapse? That’s right, instead of being there when Mexico needed me, I had to come over here and keep the two of you from killing each other. And now poor Mexico is so strung out that she can’t even make a pretence of policing her northern border regions. I hope you’re happy.

And if that wasn’t enough, the two of you have to insist that everybody else take a side in your silly little squabble, as if they don’t have enough problems. Israel, America is busy cleaning up her own mess (she’s not so bright, but she means well, bless her heart). She really doesn’t have time to drop everything every time you get your panties in a bunch. And Palestine, I would think that you would have realized that Iran and Lebanon don’t really care about you. If they were really your friends they wouldn’t encourage you to get into all this trouble in the first place.

Honestly, why can’t you two act a little more like Sweden or Japan? Nice quiet countries who mind their own business and stay out of trouble. Do you remember what happened last time Canada reacted to an act of terrorism by rolling tanks into a residential neighborhood and killing 1500 people? Oh wait, that never happened. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from that Israel. And Palestine, do you honestly think that blowing things up is the way to get what you want? When has that ever worked? That’s right, never.

Now… I’m going to go talk to India and Pakistan. When I get back here I expect you two to have done some growing up and started on a real peace process. One state, two state, I don’t care, just get it done. Honestly you’re embarrassing me in front of the other planets.