If you are reading this and you live in America, you might be under the impression that The New York Times, the A.V. Club, and Whoever and Ebert are the arbiters of cinematic excellence and box office success. Perhaps you check Apple Trailers regularly to reassure yourself that Hollywood is working on at least nine super hero movies simultaneously and that Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has the exact same music as the past three films? Maybe you dream of the next big musical feature film that will star all the same people you’ve been watching in non-musical films, and wonder if Ed Norton or George Clooney could pull off those beautiful high baritone lines in Oklahoma! and Carousel. How about Barack Obama in Show Boat? (I know, it’s like I have access to your deepest and most profound thoughts!) As wonderfully formulaic and recycled as all these ideas sound, American movie patrons only make up about a third of worldwide box office sales and though our critics like to act like they can dub a movie “successful”, “total crap”, or worthy of thumbs pointed in various directions, the commercial success of a film is less influenced by American pomposity than our giant egos can tolerate.

Exhibit A: Titanic, the highest box-office grossing film of all time, brought in 600.8 million in the US and 1234.6 million overseas. In other words, those crazy foreigners insured that Titanic moved from a ranking of 37^th to 1^st. Admittedly, The New York Times compared Titanic to Gone with the Wind and it did win that whole “Best Picture” Oscar thang, but we all know that the Times would like nothing better than to turn back the clock and change the words “Gone with the Wind” to “Gone in Sixty Seconds” (the super reviled Nicholas Cage caper). Exhibit B: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is ranked 3^rd all time in worldwide box-office gross; here’s a snippet from A. O. Scott’s New York Times review:

The question is: Is it worth it? By a rational calculation of time and money, the answer is probably no. But hey, this isn’t about that, right? It’s about fun. You’re there to have fun. Fun for the family. Fun for the kids. Fun for everyone. So shut up and have fun. And you probably will, even if it’s hard to shake the feeling that you’ve been bullied into it.

Ah… sounds like a ton-o-fun there Mr. Scott! In equal parts lukewarm praise, the great Onion/A.V. Club gives the film an awe inspiring “C+”! Reads like a ringing endorsement for a number three ranking to me! Of course, these critics are not hired to predict whether or not these films will make lots of money (that job would be too easy), they’re hired to warn readers that the stuff that makes lots of money is actually crap. At that job, they are usually at least partially competent. However, they also tend to assume that any movie that is boring enough to make no money at all is the work of cinematic genius. Suffice it to say, on this point, they are just wrong. Anyone who decided that movies like In the Bedroom, L.A. Confidential, and Mystic River were worthy of anything less than continual derision and self medication, read the reviews before they went to see the films. Trust me, they did. I don’t mean to pick on those films; they just really suck.

All of this brings me to my actual topic, which outside of America is the biggest story line since God spoke to Moses. For those who have been able to somehow escape the incessant previews for Another Remake Of That Film That Had Special Effects That Were Less Special Than The Previous Remake; Don’t Worry, We’ll Get It Right This Time, and I’m So Emo! Why Aren’t You?, you may have noticed that Jet Li and Jackie Chan will be starring in the same movie. Yes, here in America the new Indy film will reign supreme. But in many places overseas people have been waiting for a Li/Chan collaboration since the early 80’s. That is to say, they’ve been waiting patiently since Raiders of The Lost Ark hit the big screen. The long anticipated collaboration is called The Forbidden Kingdom and it almost certainly promises to be a critical disaster of epic proportions here in the good ol’ US of we-know-it-all. However, I’m going to make a defiant prediction right here in these hallowed virtual pages of ill repute: This movie will be better than whatever movie wins an Academy Award for “Best Picture” this year. In other words, the Academy Award winner will be, as is usually the case, a completely awful/lifeless/tiresome/regurgitated piece of crap, and this movie will be one adjective less.

In absolute and total fairness to the judging process, I will write a review of both The Forbidden Kingdom and whatever film wins the little bronze statue. Now, if you’re concerned about a conflict of interest, let me remind you that no Jackie Chan or Jet Li film has ever been nominated for “Best Picture” (probably because they’re both a lot less enjoyable to watch than sinking ships and Hobbits); therefore this movie will not be among the nominated, so no conflict… I promise. There’s no trickery here, just an honest to goodness comparison of terrible films!

Of course the irony of writing an article where I make myself the arbiter of what is or is not good in Hollyland/Celibriwood is not lost on me. My opinion is as flawed and biased as any other writer working for a magazine (real or fake). I suppose the only definable difference is that I know my opinion is totally subjective and I know I’m right.

‘Till next… Kung Fu dat Wushu!