It’s been some time since I wrote a good old-fashioned blog entry where I make fun of myself for your reading pleasure. Oh well… this one is serious.

I need a job, like, yesterday… preferably in NYC. You see, I decided to move back to the big city because my life as an amateur blogger who nobody reads wasn’t depressing enough. For a larger dose of depression you need to try being an actor in an area where everybody has already tried and failed, that way you know you’re getting your money’s worth; like any good suicidal fisherman worth his sea salt taking a shortcut through the Bermuda Triangle, it really is required. So, that’s what I’m doing. Of course, just moving to NYC is not enough. There are a myriad of additional tired clichés to tryout. Which brings me full circle to the “I need a job” statement.

For those living under a rock or too rich to notice: New York City is an expensive place. Yes, it’s the city that never sleeps, but it’s also the city that never stops taking your money. In New York City, you can find someone willing to take your money for doing just about anything. There are even people who charge you for making your car windows dirtier. Love it!

So, the most obvious job for an actor trying to cope with being poor and living in one of the most expensive places on earth is prostitution. With a little luck, it’s a career path that can eventually lead to film work, although production values on such films are often a bit shoddy. (You’ll need a good editor to include it in your reel.) Still, it’s a regular job with flexible hours that allows you to audition during the day, the holy trinity of an actor’s side gig. Possible drawbacks include exposure to lethal and non-lethal STD’s, unreasonable pimps who want a piece, johns with horrifying fetishes, and prison time. All in all, joining the ranks of the world’s oldest profession: Highly recommended!

Second to prostitution, restaurant work is another popular field explored by many actors waiting for Spielberg to call. Although it pays less than the sex industry, and is way more demeaning, it does offer an actor the opportunity to embody a low status character, which benefits both the actor’s craft and the entertainment industry as a whole. For instance, have you ever seen a movie where the waiter or waitress is simply incapable of playing the role realistically? Hell, no! Actors prepare their entire lives for restaurant roles! So when the cameras start rolling, they are in the zone, and nobody’s going to throw them off their game, nobody! Take a mediocre actor and give him a role as a waiter and watch him go DeNiro all over the place. It’s the perfect storm of art and foodservice. Final Analysis. Restaurant work: to be considered if you won’t pull your pants down.

More adventurous actor types often delve into less glamorous occupations. For these crusaders unemployment is just another acting gig. Need some pointers? I’m glad you asked!

Locate the one or two public trash receptacles in NYC and costume is easily acquired. If hunting for a trashcan becomes helplessly futile, it might be best to simply wait for someone to litter (something that will happen in the time that it takes you to read this sentence). A cup is all you really need to cover the basic look. For those who want to go the extra mile, find a black magic marker and scribble something incomprehensible on a piece of cardboard. This is important: Do not substitute ingredients here - people will know you’re a fraud. I said a BLACK magic marker and a piece of CARDBOARD and something INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Congratulations, you, like many actors before you, are now a hobo. (Not really, but don’t worry, nobody asks for credentials. Oh, and another thing: never refer to yourself as a “hobo”. That’s a dead giveaway. “Hobo” is just the word we use to inspire theatricality.) Sure it’s entirely immoral, but you’re an actor, so no problem - you lost all sense of morality years ago when you did that prostitution gig.

Want a little more excitement in your non-acting? Try being a medical test subject. Sure, just being poor insures a certain level of exposure to illness and death, but for real excitement try taking control of that exposure, try maximizing it, try rubbing it all over your body. Do the rewards outweigh the risks? Probably not, but it’s not like somebody with an actual life is going to take the job, and, compared to acting, the pay is great. Best case scenario: you get sick enough to warrant your own little live-in audience, twenty-four-seven; think of it as your ticket to chronic acting work. Worst case scenario: somebody invents acting repellent and decides to spray it all over your soul. Final Thought: Eat it; it probably won’t affect your Oscar votes.

One thing that actors get credit for (besides playing great onscreen restaurant workers) is wearing clothes. In most professions this activity goes relatively unnoticed and yields little professional reward. However, with actors the bar is justifiably lowered. In fact, people are so impressed with actors’ abilities to dress that magazines, websites, and books are devoted to the topic. If you are not yet one of those “dressing actors” Joan Rivers and family laud for such achievements, consider parlaying this phenomenon into a career in retail fashion. Retail stores will often expect employees to have some experience in the field, but an actor need only show up with a headshot and a monologue (scientific proof that you are, indeed, an actor) and the ability to wear clothes. Inevitably, whatever uninspired person is doing the hiring appoints you on the spot and probably even laughs at your monologue (hopefully it’s a comic piece). Actors who have trouble wearing clothes should probably look elsewhere for work (don’t forget my first suggestion). Conclusion: wearing clothes can be fun, just don’t get carried away (see Bjork’s fashion faux pas/excommunication from the church of GAP.)

When all else fails, actors in New York often resort to selling human eggs and/or bodily fluids, usually (but not always) their own. As an actress this actually ranks as one of the better options, because compensation for tearing up your insides is pretty good. As long as you are extremely attractive, of the right race, ethnicity, and religion, don’t smoke, and scored some insanely high number on a scholastic test that everybody agrees doesn’t mean shit, you’ve got it made! If not, well what the hell are you doing trying to be an actress in the first place?!! There are actual standards for actresses. Roseanne was a fluke. Get out before somebody mistakes you for her. For a guy who does not have easy access to a woman’s eggs, selling bodily fluids ranks as a pretty crappy gig - karma for being allowed to look exactly like Roseanne - ‘cause nobody’s gonna pay that much money for something men try to give away on an hourly basis. Maybe a persuasive actor can raise the price per ounce a few nickels, but maybe a persuasive actor can get an acting job, just sayin’. Upside: you don’t really need this stuff — actors shouldn’t be allowed to have kids anyway. Downside: bad way to find out you’re infertile or really ugly. Verdict: Since you already sell yourself for fun, you might as well do it for a living.

With all these sensational options in place, and my move to NYC looming, it’s difficult to pick just one money loaded career path; maybe I’ll simply go down the list in order. Fortunately, God created a website called “Craigslist” where jobs in all of these fields are plentiful and totally not scams. Hallelujah!!!!

NYC HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!