Have you been roped into buying books written by smooth talking hucksters promising everything from real estate wealth to easy weight loss? Have you been working at home on three internet get rich schemes while popping penis growth pills and just trying to save enough to give your family a few of Oprah’s favorite things? Do you think that positive things happen to positive thinkers, because goddamned if this bottomless depression hasn’t left you in a pinch? Well friend, Congratulations are in order because opportunity is about to come knocking on your door.

Friend, you have a certain je ne se qua, a pliancy and flexibility in your personality that renders you perfectly positioned to understand and activate my message of instant success. Let your friends and loved ones call you gullible, that’s just jealousy. They’ll be even more jealous, and perhaps a little terrified, when you gather them around the Thanksgiving table and feast upon the six legged turkey that John Madden’s bus chef prepared for you, because now he works for you, because that’s how goddamned much money you have. No friend, you are not gullible, you are ready opportunity.

By now you are thirsting to know what this opportunity is and how I can help you succeed. To find out you’ll have to come to my seminar “How to avoid pushy come-ons and bullshit spouting self help gurus in 5 easy steps.” In my seminar you’ll learn how to get in on the ground floor of a Ponzi scheme, how you can turn an abandoned asbestos factory (that I can give you a sweet deal on) into a luxury condominium, which Nigerian e-mailers to trust, and much more. All you’ll have to do is follow my five easy steps and you are virtually guaranteed a lifetime of wealth and happiness.

So what are the five steps? Well let me just say that step one is “never give it away.” If you want the rest of my steps you’ll need to come to my seminar with $50 cash or money order (no personal checks please) and an open mind. Follow me on the road to wealth and happiness, but you had better hurry because the Nebulons are coming soon and their space-liner to paradise only has room for the rich and happy. Don’t get left behind.