Uruzgan, Afghanistan (May 1) Al-Qaeda released a video today stating that terrorist recruitment has been hard hit by record low prices at U.S. malls. In the video Ayman al-Zawahiri says that less people want to destroy America now that the weak U.S. dollar has made brand name clothing available at bargain basement prices.

According to a U.S. state department report, there were only 14,499 attacks in 2007. This is down from 14,570 in 2006. “I just don’t think the U.S. is a place people want to destroy anymore” said a terrorist sporting Diesel jeans at the King of Prussia Mall. “Look at what these do for my ass. Oh honey you’d just die if I told you how much they cost.”

As it has become less expensive for radical fundamentalists and leaders of rogue nations to fly to the U.S. for their shopping sprees, rather than going to the local bazaar, the frequency of terrorist attempts has fallen.

In Los Angeles county last Tuesday, the Beverly Center Hugo Boss was shut down for a private visit from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. On Friday in New York, Kim Jong-il shut down both Solstace and the Sunglass Hut for over six hours each.

“We cater to lots more prominent state sponsors of terrorism than we did like a year ago” said a gum snapping manager at T.G.I. Fridays. When asked if there was ever any overt anti-American sentiment she replied “They don’t tip.”

Iraq too has felt an ease in Al-Qaeda attacks, dropping from 6,628 to 6,212. In Afghanistan however, the number rose from 969 in 2006 to 1,127 in 2007.

There is some debate among scholars as to this disparity, but the predominant theory seems to be that Iraq has better knock off Prada bags, while Afghanistan’s Chinese manufactured purses look shabby and obviously fake.