Writer’s Past and Present Past
May 3rd, 2009 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Unhealthy Living
There was a time when Receiving Me?, the greatest online faux mag since www.insertanythinghere.com, boasted a robust staff of nine (although, only four writers were willing to use their real names for fear that, as one anonymous contributor put it, “Someone might read this.”) Those were the golden days, when words were plentiful and, on occasion, were combined in such a way as to form what experts call “sentences”. Alas, such times have past; today it would be fairly accurate to say that RM? is understaffed, relying on a mere one writer to fill its pages, whom some have described as “not that good”. With this admission in mind, RM? invites readers to celebrate our writers of yore, the salad days of RM?
Leslie Fox: A man, by all accounts (and despite his name), Leslie (co-founder and talent scout) vows to return to RM? “whenever the shame wears off.” He is perhaps best remembered for his western fiction series, which represents one of the few times RM? featured writing that could be described as “conceptual”. At a recent press conference held for people who have worked menial jobs in the past, Leslie described his employment at RM? as, “much like working at McDonald’s, only without the pay or intellectual vigor.” It is good to know he retains the same whimsical sense of humor that made him the adoration of the RM? masses.
Pates Baroni: Pronounced “Pah-Tays”, although nobody knew it, Pates Baroni was the penname adopted by a great man, a man so great that he needed to change his entire persona in order to communicate in monosyllabic sentences, a paradigm he assumed was a requirement after reading the first issue of RM?. When staff later informed him that there was no such standard, Pates quickly grew bored, quit, and began his work on nuclear fission, which he claims he “knows how to pronounce and everything.” During his relatively short stay under the RM? brand, Pates’s work varied in tone and (eventually) syllables. Many fans point to his one restaurant review as “proof that something actually useful exists on that shitty blog,” while others highlight his acting and directing work in acclaimed RM? short film, The Ineffable Fatness of Being.
Freeman Frohlich: Another writer much too ashamed to write under his real name, Freeman started out as a frequent commenter in the much ignored and perhaps mislabeled “comments section” of RM? (Some have suggested calling it the “TBI section,” while others argue against the clarity of such a title.) Demoted from “frequent commenter” to “official staff writer”, some would have taken it hard, but not Freeman; he soldiered on, writing articles on a wide selection of topics from anti-Americanism to anti-Americansim. Our Republican readership waits with baited breath for his return. (Apparently, he stole all their patriot mints.)
Brett Harsch: One of the earliest contributers to RM?, Brett soon saw the error of his ways and disappeared, leaving Athletic Support readers with a proverbial case of blue balls. [Editor's Note: I'm gonna stop right there, ‘cause there is no way to top that. Nope. Can't be done.]
Paul Fidalgo, PhD: If you exclude everyone else, Dr. Fidalgo is without a doubt the smartest person ever to scribble in our virtual mag — in fact, so smart that he decided to leave almost as soon as he arrived. The Dr. now writes for over a hundred different blogs, some of which even claim to edit posts for something called “quality control” and “words”. Though his stay at RM? was brief, he will always be remembered for raising the bar way too high when he quoted a source he did not make up. Dumbfounded, staff couldn’t eat for a month.
Little Lord Fauntleroy Walks in Shadow: Little Lord Fblah, blah, blah, is perhaps the most controversial of all former contributors to RM?. While other writers were taking artistic license and pretending to be really messed up in the head, Little Lord really wasn’t pretending at all; Little Lord was totally insane. So much so that at least one reader printed out his articles, stuffed them into a syringe and tried desperately to inject the papers into his bloodstream. That reader was Little Lord Fauntleroy Walks in Shadow. By all accounts he survived the injections, but never fully recovered from the paper cuts. Folks with very strong stomachs can click here to sample his work, but be warned… like most really disgusting things, it’s been banned in any state you’d voluntarily visit.
Maestro Andrea Aguzzi: Not a Maestro at all, Andrea Aguzzi is, however, Italian, at least as far as anyone can tell — that is to say, no former staff members have ever met him, yet he’s slept with all their girlfriends. The singular conclusion: he’s Italian. What has Andrea written about? No, seriously, tell us!
Mommy Dearest: Notable for being the only female staffer in RM? history, she behaves exactly the way founding member, Leslie Fox, would if he were to pretend to be a mother figure. Savvy readers have noted that it is simply remarkable that both Leslie and Mommy Dearest ended up working for the same fake online magazine, and at the same time. [Editor's Note: So that the magnitude of this event might be properly explained/laughed at, the probability of this occurrence will be seamlessly woven into the plot of an upcoming Numb3rs episode*. Stay tuned!]
Thus endeth your visit to RM?’s storied past. If you know (or you are) someone desperate enough to follow in these men’s hollowed footsteps, give a shout in the comments section! We’re offering a non-refunbable, one-way ticket to infammy. Get yours while supplies last!
*If this comes true, please realize that the show was going to suck anyway, ie. don’t blame me!
I am shamed. What can I do to regain your favor?
You will need to prove that you are capable of lying again. You can start by plagiarizing articles from the Onion, and slowly work your way towards more sophisticated works like The National Enquirer and Jugs.
[...] Receiving Me? added an interesting post on Writerâ Permalink Comments [0] [...]
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