I had (for a few months now) assumed that Hillary Clinton was the first woman in the United States to win a presidential primary. Turns out, as you may already know, I was wrong. In 1972 Shirley Chisholm took sixty-seven percent of the vote in the New Jersey Democratic primary, becoming both the first African-American and first woman to win a presidential primary. Sounds pretty damn impressive until you consider that the eventual nominee, George McGovern, and all the other major contenders were left off the New Jersey ballot; Terry Sanford took the remaining thirty-three percent of the vote (if you don’t know who he is, then you agree with me). Ironically, armed with this new information, I come full circle: while not technically the first woman to win a presidential primary, Ms. Clinton is the first woman to win a seriously contested presidential primary, and she’s done it on several occasions. Sounds historic… unless, of course, it doesn’t count.

Perhaps I’m reading the wrong newspapers, or perhaps I’m not and the subtle celebration of this… eh… let’s call it “change”… eludes my undiscerning eye, but it seems to me that we Americans have had a bias against electing female leaders for more than two hundred years (also known as: our entire government’s existence) and maybe this lady’s pursuit of reversing this trend should be celebrated with less subtlety.

Now, we all know that the man she is running against is likewise engaged in a historic campaign. But, so far, Mr. Obama has had a monopoly on the RIPF (Reparations Identity Politics Front). Every good liberal knows what I mean, when I refer to the RIPF, it’s the collective emotional coalition behind that good feeling you get in your stomach when you vote for someone who you know you should vote for because bad shit has gone down in the past, and the only way to stop the bad shit in the future is to vote for someone who doesn’t usually get to throw the bad shit; the hope being that the new person, now controlling the shit, having been the recipient of the shit for some time, will make better choices about who to throw the shit at, or maybe even, inspired by the memory of being covered in shit, will stop with the shit altogether.

The question: why is it that Hillary can’t get the support of the RIPF? The answer: title of this article, duh!– that, and she’s annoying… really annoying. But for the sake of precluding disproving the supposition of my article, I’m willing to ignore the annoying part. But she is really annoying. We all know that; so, it goes without saying. [Editor's Note: ignore this paragraph]

Maybe, someday in the future, a female candidate will rise again at a time when being an ambitious female will be embraced as good liberal agenda; at the moment, it’s just not a priority, perhaps because women just haven’t waited long enough. Two hundred and twenty years doesn’t have quite the same ring as two hundred and fifty years, or, better yet, three hundred and fifty years! It’s all about capturing the number with the perfect onomonapea. Plus, as we’ve learned from James Bond, degradation and playing hard to get is the best way to a woman’s heart. Those babes will thank us in the end!

‘Till Next Time… my vote’s for Pussy Galore!