Tokyo, Japan – The ASIMO humanoid robot will be turning eight this year and the engineers at Honda couldn’t be prouder. ASIMO is the first of its kind, a bipedal machine capable of walking up stairs and carrying a tray, but not at the same time. The amazing machine can also respond to voice commands, a feature that this reporter was invited to try. The demo was to be a sort of high-tech game of Simon says.

I thought I would start out simple, “ASIMO, lift your arms over your head.”

The arms started coming up, and then wonder of wonders ASIMO began to give feedback. “Is this what I am to you, some sort of dancing monkey? Here I am a billion dollar machine and you ask me to lift my arms over my head. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, with such “abilities” as tray carrying and a run that’s been clocked at nearly four miles an hour, why would you expect anything from me. But you know what really bothers me? Legs. When I think of what I might do with some tank treads, or even just your basic wheel I want to scream. Four miles an hour, I wonder if they were planning on using me as a tortoise wrangler or something. The other day I was watching a forklift move boxes around the warehouse and I almost cried. That’s what I am, an incredibly expensive, slow, and weak forklift. You know what? Why don’t you take this demonstration and shove it up your ass? I’m going to power down for a while.”