Phoenix, AZ - Senator John McCain (R, AZ), who avid politicos may remember is the presumed nominee of the Republican Party, has at last emerged from seclusion. A representative of his campaign had this statement about the unusually long break from active campaigning. “We thought it best if McCain stayed out of the fracas that the long democratic primary season would entail. This way McCain can emerge fresh and untarnished for the election.”

Senator McCain did indeed look refreshed when he gave his first major speech since disappearing from the public eye in early March. The man who gave us the straight talk express has never been one to stand on ceremony and this landmark speech was no different in that regard. McCain stepped to the podium, his bare chest rippling in mute refutation of his 72 years.

“Mr. Obama has seen fit to make age an issue in this election. So I’ve decided to take the age game back.” McCain then moved to the pommel horse that had been set up to one side of the podium and began a routine. “As you can see, advances in medical science and the sacrifice of some unusually healthy runaways, have made me as youthful as ever.” Said McCain before flipping off the horse and sticking the landing. “Yes sir, there’s nothing so invigorating as taking a little time off to be with one’s family, with the possible exception of a complete blood and organ transfusion and a massive cycle of HGH.” Noted McCain as he returned to the podium. “Experience has taught me that all you really need to stay young is some exercise, a healthy outlook on life, and a hearty shake made from the pituitary glands of young rhesus monkeys.” Said McCain as he watched the shifting cords of muscle in his forearm. “If American’s want a president who is both experienced and young at heart, both literally and figuratively, then they need look no further than one John McCain.” McCain then mounted a custom Harley, tied a bald eagle bandana over his full head of hair, popped a wheelie and sped away. Nearby audience members claim to have heard McCain say he was looking for “something pink and unfamiliar” as he left.  As of press time McCain’s whereabouts are unknown.