Gwynn To Devour Comp.
Jul 16th, 2008 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Athletic Support
The legendary baseball great, Tony Gwynn, has decided to embark on a second career as a spokesperson for Receiving Me?. Gwynn, who recently spent June, “eating my old baseball cards,” feels that he can bring a certain credibility to the magazine that has thus far eluded all other aspects of the company. “The important thing to note is that, as a spokesperson, I’m making a serious endorsement of a company that has changed my life irrevocably…. Before reading Receiving Me?, I was a gifted athlete and a damn fine lookin’ man. Now I’m a huge tub of lard who enjoys doing bicep curls with Krispy Kremes. To quote Frost, ‘that has made all the difference.’” Gwynn points to columns like Unhealthy Living and Toxic Eye Candy as sources of inspiration for his newfound lifestyle choices. “I cancelled my subscription to Life Positive two minutes after reading an article entitled: ‘You can Do It’. That piece inspired me to eat a Klondike bar with every meal and two Klondike bars between meals. I’ve never felt more bloated… it’s like being a whale: you’re always the biggest fish in the ocean, so everybody makes room for you; and you know, I don’t even worry about getting hunted down by some crazy 19th century whale hunter, because everybody’s already read that book.” [Editor's Note: according to wikipedia, the whale wins] Gwynn adds, “It’s great, ’cause people just leave me alone and let me fill more and more space! I’ve been in talks with The International Astronomical Union about planetary status ever since Pluto was demoted to a ‘dwarf planet’; they want to give me the same classification, but I’m holding out for something bigger.”
Gwynn’s unrelenting commitment to the fundamental unhealthy spirit of Receiving Me? has staff talking. Freelance writer Freeman Frohlich is perhaps most excited of all, “If Mr. Tony Gwynn joins the team, I might even publish stuff under my real name, or at least a name that sounds like a real name.” Former Athletic Support columnist, Brett Harsch, called in from his vacation in the “real world” to express enthusiasm for the Gwynn acquisition as well, “Gwynn is the man! Like seriously, I think he eats Man-e-O’s for breakfast every morning while he shotguns tall glasses of Testoster-aid. I’ve seen him literally eat up the competition and still be hungry for cake…. No… I will not come back and write for that wretched magazine!”
Still, Editor and Chief, Bernard Bygott, admits that there is at least one major obstacle to this joyous union; the potential problem concerns the purchase of Gwynn’s Receiving Me? issued uniform. Bygott concedes, “Apparently our supplier assumed that Gwynn’s measurements were taken using the metric system, because, like they said, ‘Nobody’s wider than the measuring tape.’”
To help with the last minute alterations needed before Gwynn’s arrival in the next twenty-four hours, staff members have volunteered the use of all their personal bed linens, window shades and wall-to-wall carpeting. In addition, Receiving Me? hired Fashion Consultant, Nosu Chperson to head the project. “It’s a quantity issue… we’re just not sure if we can get our hands on enough raw material to cover Mr. Gwynn’s body by tomorrow. A project like this usually takes two or three years; but if we succeed, this will go down as a great day in the annals of fashion history.”
For additional news concerning spokesperson Tony Gwynn and his fake association with Receiving Me?, or to learn more about his proposed catch phrase for the mag, “We fill you with filling!”, please keep reading our articles, even though we almost certainly will never mention this subject again.
‘Till next time… Call me Ishmael!
Yeah, It was amazing how huge Gwynn looked next to the other hall of famers and current players during the all-star opening ceremonies. He did seem to have the body type that would get big after playing, but he’s just about at the going sideways through doors stage, which is the step right before the using a golf cart to go everywhere stage.
His face makes his teeth look small.
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