Unknown Candidate, McCain
Jul 21st, 2008 | By Paul Fidalgo | Category: News
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - Somewhat calling into question the conventional wisdom of the 2008 campaign, it was discovered Monday that Arizona Senator John Sidney McCain III, 71, is also running for president.
The disquieting news was unearthed as legions of reporters covering the overseas fact-finding trip of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill, found e-mails on their Blackberries containing a press release from the mysterious senator’s “campaign” criticizing something-or-other about Sen. Obama, D-Awesome.
Half-hearted inquiries have revealed that Sen. McCain is a former P.O.W. from some war, married to a woman who is associated with beer, and is a member of an organization known as the Republican Party, also known as the O.P. (the “Old Party”).
Cursory investigations utilizing few resources have learned that the Republican Party stands for such principles as the abolition of slavery, the “busting” of “trusts,” and the flying of the Confederate flag over public buildings.
“I thought Obama was running against Hillary, and I thought he won,” said one reporter covering Sen. Obama’s exciting trip. “Now I’m really confused.”
During his first press conference abroad, the way-ahead Sen. Obama was asked if he felt the discovery of Mr. Mc-what’s-his-name’s campaign worried him at all.
“I honor this man’s service to our country,” said likely-president Obama, “but you will have to remind me who he is before I can comment further.”
Not long after, the man in question, who we have just now remembered is named “John McCain,” took to the microphone at a town hall meeting in South Portland, Maine, where the “candidate” defended his relevance.
“I promise you, I will out-campaign Senator Obama, I will work day and night, talking with the American people, making it absolutely clear that I do, in fact, exist,” said the funny old man.
“My friends, Senator Obama would have you believe that I am not running against him, and that I will be dead soon,” he added. “This is almost certainly untrue, as far as I know, and is an example of old, divisive politics.”
“That’s not change we can believe in,” said McCain, after which many in the small crowd turned to one another, arching their eyebrows and mouthing the word, “What?”
“Never mind,” said the senator.
I thought McCain died back in 01, turns out I was thinking of Carroll O’Conner
[...] his stay at RM? was brief, he will always be remembered for raising the bar way too high when he quoted a source he did not make up. Dumbfounded, staff couldn’t eat for a [...]
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