NBA Rules
Mar 19th, 2008 | By Brett Harsch | Category: Athletic Support
OFFICIAL RULES OF THE NBA
1. Games last 48 minutes, divided into 4 quarters of 12 minutes each.
a. No effort by players required…
b. Except for the last 5 minutes of the game.
2. Traveling is defined as taking more than 3 steps without dribbling
the ball…
a. Except for Kobe Bryant.
b. Kobe Bryant is incapable of traveling.
c. Shut up Philly, this is true.
d. [Avoid batteries thrown by Philly] (editor is allowing this comment– and buying batteries)
3. Charging into the stands to attack fans is not, I repeat NOT, allowed.
a. Unless they’re just being tools and totally asking for it.
b. Then feel free to beat the crap out of those bastards.
4. Any player with 6 fouls is disqualified from the game.
a. Fouls may be assigned to Shaquille O’Neil on a whim.
b. It’s ok, we’ll just play the last minute over again a couple months later…
c. After Shaq has been traded…
d. And Pat Riley has quit on his team.
5. All white players must sit at the end of the bench…
a. Except in Utah.
b. They’re Mormons.
c. We indulge them.
6. Uniforms must adhere to league minimum standards.
a. Shorts must be able to double as living quarters for tribes of Nomads.
b. Skinny players must wear t-shirts under their jerseys.
i. Wearing a t-shirt masks the player’s underlying size.
ii. Like the fat kid who wore a t-shirt at the pool growing up.
iii. It was impossible to determine how fat that kid was.
iv. Seriously, it’s like camouflage.
7. Kicking the ball is not allowed.
a. Even if it was, why would you do it?
b. You’re not one of those nancy-pants soccer players are you?
c. Are you?
d. That’s what I thought.
e. Reset the shot clock, bitches, it’s go time.
If we could just cut out the first 43 minutes of games we could add like another 200 games to the season. that would be sweet.
Whoops, I accidentally posted as myself (that sounded strange). Of course, I would never be guilty of such blasphemy. Also, do you think this will work for the next Sixers game?
You are being too mean to young Allen. I got more pleasure than misery out of his presence, and that’s about as high as my expectations go with athletes. Besides, what you really want is a 50 pack of Ds. They give accuracy and flexibility that you just can’t get from a car battery.
thats an awesome picture. I want to kick Dunleevy in the mouth also. actually that should be the 8th rule. Kicking overrated former duke players in the mouth accepted and encouraged.