There is absolutely no reason I should have to exert so much energy in order to communicate. Half the time I just stop talking in the middle of sentences, because my will to express a particular idea is weaker than my desire to preserve energy and maintain suitable lassitude levels. There is just no way that anything I could possibly say would be original enough or ingenious enough to warrant the effort it would take to say it. I’m certain it’s all been said before by someone else who already exerted way too much effort saying it in the first place. The circle of effort must be stopped. Something needs to be done.

I present to you the new international language simply known as “Ish”. Ish is a language that exists in a very special place in my mind where many other hypothetical things exist, such as virtual ice-cream porn, galactic speed dating, and integrity. The language is a conglomerate of words taken from all known languages; words qualify to be included in Ish when they contain the least amount of syllables possible to express their given meaning. For instance, the word “four” would beat out “quartet”, “quadruplet”, or the French word “quatre”, but would suffer total annihilation at the hands of the South African Xhosa single tongue click “ne”… which means… you guessed it “four”. When all languages are surveyed and the shortest word is established, all longer words with the same meaning are burnt in a fiery pit of illiteracy and ignorance, never to be spoken again.

You have questions. I have answers.

In the event of a tie between words with similar meanings and the same amount of syllables, the amount of native characters/letters employed in writing the word shall be the first tiebreaker. This rule will help eliminate words like “stretched”, because a nine-letter, single-syllable word blasphemes the true spirit of Ish.

If, after characters/letters are counted, a tie remains, the second tiebreaker shall be made by way of comparing the relative distance the mouth need open and close in order to produce the words’ given sounds; victory goes to the word that requires the least distance traveled. Words with sounds similar to the Latin “M” have a distinct advantage in this round (that one’s for you mom).

The third tiebreaker will be determined by comparing how small the given word can be written, while still being legible to the human eye– certain Japanese signs may likely be eliminated in this round, as well as the language spoken by the Giants of Colossus City (known to write their monosyllabic words on the sides of neighboring continents).

If, after all these steps have been observed, a clear victor cannot be determined, the two words and all they mean shall be either entirely eradicated from human expression or whispered to me once each (in sweet dulcet tones by a perfect 10 swimsuit model) after which time I will declare the sexier sounding word victorious, and ask the model to repeat the word ad nauseum. I shall call the model “Victoria”.

Now, I’m willing to admit that adapting Ish worldwide could be fairly strenuous at first. After all, all this surveying and comparing and contrasting of words from thousands of languages takes a lot of work, which runs contrary to the spirit of Ish– and then there’s learning the new language, and rewriting anything ever written in the old inefficient languages (you know, so that no one learns the old languages by mistake). But all this tedious preliminary work will eventually result in an extremely efficient, comparatively effortless language. And it really is all about the children, anyway; just think of all the time they’ll have to do important stuff (like Facebook, text messaging and human sacrifice) while freed from the doldrums of articulating extra syllables twelve hours a day.

So, please come join me in creating the language of Ish. I’m accepting applications forthwith for unassuming, unpaid, and (most likely) unappreciated interns who are willing to do all the legwork, while I take all the credit. Just let me know what two languages you’d like to start comparing, and I will let you know how the Victoria search is going. Oh yeah, and remember… something about children.

‘Till next time…

methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylg
lutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutam
ylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylgl
utamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglu
taminylaspfraginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutamin
ylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisol
eucylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycy
lisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylval
ylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylala
nylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalany
laspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreony
ltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylpr
olylleucylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylalanylprolylprolylleuc
ylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspa
rtylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylgl
utaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenyla
lanylvalylglutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine

(The longest word in English, maybe)