Readers of Receiving Me? are by and large the sort of people who take in more than their fair share of media. After all, if you weren’t diddling around the Internet you wouldn’t be here. So I have no doubt that all of you have heard of the new Kevin Costner movie being released shortly. For the rest of you it’s called Swing Vote, and Kevin Costner is the guy from Bull Durham. The following is a preview of Swing Vote brought to you by someone who has not seen it.

Anyway, Swing Vote is a movie about a pivotal presidential election. One candidate is a charismatic speaker whose humble beginnings as a small town hobbit belie his true destiny as the avatar of justice and reasonable healthcare. He promises to lead America into a collectivist utopia governed by a supreme overmind that will be run on a quantum computer powered by the transcendental discharge of 49 times 49 Gnostic warrior monks. The other candidate is an aged war hero who strikes fear into those that would harm America with every room-shaking stride of his massive prosthetic body. He promises to pacify the planet through the judicious use of a continent-destroying laser that will be housed on a moon constructed of captured comets and the eternally screaming bones of America’s enemies.

Somehow, through a series of colossal screw-ups and the discovery of previously unknown subroutines in the electoral laws, Costner becomes the lone deciding vote. He, being a wholesome pickup-driving yahoo with a precocious daughter, is a simple man who is not impressed with big city educations and fancy pants talk. He wants the straight dope. So he asks each candidate to give him their best pitch. He will then decide whom to vote for.

It’s a difficult choice for Costner. He likes Candidate Hobbit’s promise of poverty relief and universal healthcare, but he’s worried about being forced to emigrate to a tenement in a yet to be constructed MetaCity. This is a balanced against his concern that Candidate Cyborg’s lack of a human body has made it difficult for him to empathize with regular people. Similarly he is inspired by Candidate Hobbit’s call for a universal brotherhood of man, but is disturbed by the youtube video showing the candidate receiving a pink belly from Osama Bin Ladin. And while he appreciates Candidate Cyborg’s promise of safety by way of space laser, he remains concerned by the environmental fallout that could arise from missing continents and the gravitational pull of a second moon.

In the end Costner makes his decision based on a certain fundamental intangible that neither candidate considered important. The winning candidate (I won’t spoil it for you) is so inspired by Costner’s reasoning that he invites him into the administration as his ambassador to the American people. The losing candidate, having come to respect his opponent through the process of being beaten, becomes secretary of state in the new administration. Then, having learned what’s really important, they all go watch Costner’s daughter in her school play, Godzilla vs. The Statue of Liberty. The credits role over a teary eyed audience and a vanquished Godzilla.

Truly it is inspiring that Mr. Costner can make a feel good comedy about the fact that the biggest most powerful voting block in America is composed of morons. When I think about how our national figures are forced to pander to the vast squalid masses of squishy thinkers, pander to the point that the rest of us our must imagine what policies these candidates might actually be in favor of, I reach for Kleenex and a bottle. But Mr. Costner can make comedy of anything. Bravo sir, Bravo.

Swing Vote is rated PG 13 (graphic sapphic sex and mild robot violence) and opens everywhere on August 1.