Sometimes it’s difficult running a magazine with a world-wide circulation of… some extremely large number. But when Tom Petty asks for a favor, even the busiest of folk drop what they’re doing, so we did too. Turns out that Petty was never all that pleased with the video he made for his super-hit, Mary Jane’s Last Dance. You know, the video where he carries around a “dead” Kim Basinger for 4 minutes before dumping her in the ocean (indeed, she does finally wake once he’s out of the picture, but that’s a story for later). The point is that Petty was prying the net for the next great up-and-coming auteurs when he came across our humble little periodical. His initial response to our site is basically unprintable (yes, even given our standards); but shortly after listening to a couple Traveling Wilburys songs, and remembering that he actually made his worst music with George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison, and Bob Dylan, he was on the phone with our lovely secretary, Victoria:

Tom Petty: Hi, this is Tom Petty.

Victoria: We were expecting your call, Tom. You know, you did your worst work with George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison, and Bob Dylan.

Tom Petty: Yeah, I know.

Victoria: So, what can we do for you?

Tom Petty: I was wondering if you could find out why Kim Basinger pretends to be dead when I’m around.

Victoria: I think you already know the answer to that one, Tom.

Tom Petty: Okay.

Victoria: Any other questions you want to ask that you already know the answer to?

Tom Petty: “Mary Jane” stands for “marijuana”.

Victoria: That’s shocking Tom… and not a question.

Tom Petty: You are the strangest receptionist I’ve ever spoken with.

Victoria: Well, that’s what happens when you hire a receptionist from a fantasy that occurred in an earlier article.

Tom Petty: Is there something going on here that I’m supposed to understand?

Victoria: Why did you ever leave the Heartbreakers? That band was actually good. It’s your ego, isn’t it Tom? It gets the better of you.

Tom Petty: We have reunions all the time.

Victoria: I’m sure that comforts them. You know, they’re supposed to be the “heartbreakers”, Tom, not you.

Tom Petty: Well, it’s an ironic name anyway.

Victoria: I bet that irony feeds their souls at night… while you’re out hording the middle-aged groupies.

Tom Petty: I’m sorry, did I do something to hurt you? Do I know you? Are you ever going to give the phone to someone else, or transfer my call, or tell me the person I’m trying to reach isn’t in at the moment and take a message, or do anything remotely secretary-like… or are you just going to continue to hassle me about my career?

Victoria: I’m an Administrative Assistant, Tom, and yes… we’ll remake the video for you.

Tom Petty: Um… I never even asked…

Victoria: Just try remembering the little people, Tom. I’m not just a number; I have a name too, you know.

Tom Petty: Wait a second, I remember you, you were number 3,231…

Victoria: I was 3,232! Go to Hell!

[Click]

Tom Petty: I love doing that!

Well, we agreed to make Petty’s video despite the fact that Victoria is leaving us for a job that attracts less celebrities she will “remember sleeping with.” We just hope her scent lingers in the office for a few more days before Helga shows up. Helga smells like bratwurst… not that there’s anything wrong with bratwurst, it’s just not a normal body odor.

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