Yes, Yes, Yes!! We are the champions! It took Philadelphia however many years are between 1983 and now, but the curse is dead. The Philadelphia Soul won the Whatever-It’s-Called Bowl maybe a couple days ago or whenever (I didn’t actually see the game… but I hear it was football related). This means that we proud Philadelphians are world champions in football, WHOO! I always wanted to be part of a football championship, and now I am. I’ll admit that the feeling hasn’t really sunk in yet, but people who have experienced championships in the past tell me that it’s really hard to predict how you’re going to respond to these things. I mean, I assumed I’d respond by doing shots of Bacardi 151 and testing my walls for structural fortitude. Instead, I’m sitting here quietly writing an article, thinking about how google must know something about this team and why I care for them so. [Pause-- as I google "Philadelphia Soul"-- amuse yourselves.]

Ahh… they have a website and a wikipedia entry (a sure sign of importance); also, they are named after a style of music characterized by “funk influences and lush instrumental arrangements.” Now that sounds badass! That sounds like my kind of team! I wonder if they sing while they’re playing, or if they just hum the Shaft theme song to themselves at a mellow sotto voce? I have many questions about my new favorite team.

Oh, and merchandise! I better get some Philly Soul gear with the quickness. I hope they wear colors that will flatter my pasty white complexion. The damn Eagles aren’t doing me any favors in that department. I look like a shipwreck survivor every time I put on that cursèd green. Plus, they’re a bunch of loser choke artists anyway. I’ll take the Soul any day of the week over that miserable bunch of scumbags.

Also, PARTY AT MY PLACE! That’s right. I’m inviting all my fellow “Soulfuls” to a party at my apartment as soon as I get one. Judging from the current timeline, that should be in thirty years or so. Look out! Mark your calendars! This party will be off the hook! We’re going to play games like, “Name Another Team that Plays Whatever Sport the Soul Plays”, “Where were You when You Missed the Championship?” and “I triple-dog-dare you to name the mascot.” Now, since the date is thirty years away, you all have ample time to catch at least one Soul game before I start handing out party favors. Do your homework! We all owe it to this team for working so hard for so long… I think. Well, I’m certain that they’ve at least been working for a season, because it takes at least a season to be the champion that season (now, I’ll just have to figure out how long a season is). Anyway, the point remains, they deserve to be watched once every thirty years, and I’m not letting you in the damn party unless you can prove you’ve been a decent human being and looked them up online. And you best be readin’ past the first two lines on wikipedia, because I’m going to get tired of letting people in for saying, “Oh yeah… An arena football team in Philadelphia. They throw batteries at Santa.”

So what’s next for these darlings of Philadelphia sport? I’m certain we’ll all find out some time in the near future as soon as we’ve found out what exactly it was that they did in the past. Until that time, you Philadelphians who read this mag, take a deep belly breath of profoundest victory, of joyful now. And, by the way, all you non-Philadelphians suck on our championship, suckers! You didn’t even know you lost to Philly, but you did. How’s it feel? HOW’S IT FEEL?!!

S-O-U-L, we’ve got SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Till next time… I’m a soulman!