LOS ANGELES, CA - Much hype has been made concerning which periodical will be the first to score the much coveted, so-called, “Brangelina baby pictures” (pictures of twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, the latest inheritors of the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt empire of fortune). The drive-by-media would have you think that People Magazine has acquired exclusive rights to the first photos of the twins. However, this is a clever ruse to direct readers to People Magazine, a magazine with a dwindling readership and deteriorating editorial standards, and to cover-up the real story of the Brangelina so-called “twins”. It’s all part of a conspiracy that has been perpetrated by the man who wants to keep you feeding on paper-thin deception and lies. As our loyal readers well know, sometimes it takes a true hero, a voice of reason amidst the muck, a gallant knight of morality, a noble soldier of integrity, sometimes it takes… Receiving Me? to get the factually accurate story that everyone else is plain lying about. You can thank us later (in the comments section– hint).

Here’s the real scoop.

Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie actually gave birth to a three-headed banshee child named Delilah. Delilah was named after a stripper that Mr. Pitt became acquainted with while making a donation to his favorite charity. Delilah is in good health and, besides the fact that one of her heads looks suspiciously like Billy Bob Thornton, is fitting in well with the Pitt clan, quickly acclimating herself to the basement. Now, despite the Brangelina’s deep love for Delilah, they decided to hide information about her to the general public for as long as possible, knowing full well that news of a Brangelina banshee child would create pandemonium in the streets of every civilized nation; people simply care that much. Enter People Magazine. The Brangelinas were anxious about the logistics of hiding Delilah from the world, but People assured them that (for the right price) any dirt, no matter how ugly, could be spun into a flattering depiction of decent family wholesomeness. So, People concocted a story in which they payed the Brangelinas 14 million dollars in order to obtain exclusive rights to the supposed first photos of the couple’s beautiful newborn “twins”. In fact, the Brangelinas payed People 14 million dollars to heavily doctor the photos, so that two of Delilah’s heads would appear to be two different children and the Billy Bob Thornton head would be lifted from the photo entirely. People often employs this sort of cover story because, as an anonymous source close to the magazine described it, “Nobody really pays that much attention to which way the money is going.”

Have we blown your mind, yet? Wait, there’s more. Staff of Receiving Me? first became suspicious about the Brangelina “twin” story shortly after the couple announced the names of their children: Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. You see, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are the names of the two protagonists in a oft-shopped, but never published, work of neo-noir called The Hard Boiled Heart by People Magazine columnist, Peter Mikelbank. Receiving Me? Co-founder, Leslie Fox, noticed this apparent coincidence while reading through Mikelbank’s job application to intern at Receiving Me?. Mikelbank included a chapter from The Hard Boiled Heart in his application adorned with a yellow sticky note that read, “The names in this book bear a striking resemblance to the names of the Brangelina’s three-headed banshee child… umm… newborn twins. You can’t prove anything.” Normally a clue like that would have little influence on our investigative work, but Mr. Fox cleverly noted that the sticky note was signed by the entire law firm of Brangel, Ina, Banshee, and Child, and logically assumed that that many lawyers’ signatures on anything meant someone was lying. Thus began an epic undercover investigation by the entire Receiving Me? staff which eventually lead to the uncovering of the true identity of the Brangelina newborn.

Long story short.

Though stymied by many dead ends and the loss of a few interns’ lives (may they rest in peace), Receiving Me? has obtained one undoctored, raw photo of Delilah which, though traumatic to the mind and eye, we will now share with you our loyal readers, providing you promise to react without rioting in the streets or going all Vin Diesel on our ass. (Screams of agony and tears of disbelief are, however, encouraged and allowed.) Bonne Chance!

The Picture You’ve Been Waiting For