Let’s talk about spam. Like any website, Receivng Me? is attacked by spam commenting spiders and bots on a daily basis. Fortunately, we are a small enough site for maintenance to be possible without too much hassle; spam catching programs are installed, and we usually delete no more than ten comments a day. Spammers are smart enough to concentrate their efforts on the bigger sites because a bigger site’s readership means potential big time exposure, so things really aren’t that bad here. However, as our site grows, we have received more spam than usual, and this got me thinking. Deleting all this spam doesn’t really jive with the essential spirit of Receiving Me?. Here we are claiming to be an open forum for self-expression and ludicrous behavior, and we’re deleting posts like this all-time favorite:

Very insightful.
I especially like the tone.
All blogs should do this.
Great example you are setting here.
Really, I mean that sincerely.
All the best, from your friend -
- Sean Connery

Give that man a Pulitzer. That is pure genius.

Unfortunately, all spam is not created equal, and for every great Sean Connery joke, there are twenty barely comprehensible postings that make our current president sound like a Nobel Laureate poet. I needn’t look far for an example:

I\’m love. this great website. Many thanks guyo

I mean, how busy do you have to be programming these bots to confuse the letter “o” with a period? And nobody believes that you are the embodiment of love anyway! Get over yourself!

Okay, so there’s the good and the bad, but isn’t that true of Receiving Me? as well? You have to be willing to sort through the crap to find the diamond in the rough. (Please disregard the fact that that link goes to an Onion article; you know we could have written that… you know it!) In this spirit, I have decided to write one article with the sole purpose of attracting as much spam commenting as possible. I’ll be working from a master list of the most popular spam words and phrases under the assumption that phrases and words that spammers use will attract… well… spam! By the way, spammers love to misspell words in an attempt to get through filters. Here goes nothing…

The youth liked to play free games. He called a homeworker, but the call wouldn’t go through, apparently homeworkers were on holiday. He wanted to know if there was something called “free percent interest”, it could help him win super money according to a hot new deal he had read about. He tried the operator who informed him there was a discreet deal in place if he would jut sign a special mortgage, making sure not to spell it “morgage”. The boy laughed. “That’s as stupid as saying the phrase, ‘Earn for own workers’, which really can’t be used logically in any circumstance,” he said. “Well, it’s a free offer, bitch,” the operator replied. This x-rated response gave him heartburn, so he hung up. “I should stick to online gaming,” he thought, “that’s where all the real super deals are anyway!” But suddenly his allergies made him think about meeting someone special. It was a strange reaction because the last time he tried a special type of matchmaking he was rewarded with incest. But how else was he supposed to meet new singles and achieve sexual health? He decided to search the web for escorts, looking for a super deal. Eventually, he settled on a site called “Platinum-celeb housewives searching for you! Low interest rates!” “What a coincidence,” he thought, “I better buy now. I wonder if I need a prescription?” He clicked the “enter here” link, and to his surprise he quit smoking and won a lot of free stuff. His screen read…

You\’re a winner… I mean… your a winner… uh… UR a winner, U R a winner, U R a winer (hey, everyone is sometimes), no seriously you’re a winner because you are a winner. Click here to find out what you’ve won. Hell, we’ll tell you anyway: You have won free gas and a (extremely vague) career opportunity, but our online doctor has made an amazing new discovery: the only way to truly protect yourself from depression is to start a rigorous regimen of ambient, zolus, paxil, adipex, vioxx, viagra, viagara, botox, phentermine, phentamine, phendimetrazine, pherimones, pheramones (that’s cool), carisoprodol, triplex, soma, cyclobenzaprine, ultram, cyclen, levitra, ionamin, cialis, meridia, xanax, fioricet, tramadol, trim-spa, and xenical.

“That’s a lot of meds,” he thought to himself. It was during difficult times like these that he liked to rephrase things in his head just to make stuff clear:

That’s a lot of medications… That’s a lot of potential prescriptions… That’s a lot of drugs… Maybe I sould have tried free internet shopping or freenet-shopping or freeweb-shopping? Their prices are lower. They offer free product. They’re having a sale.

He decided he would make his decision the next day after consulting a psychic; he had heard that the best one was giving away free readings for a limited time with no restrictions guaranteed, privacy assured, zero percent interest, plus a spanking new fountain of youth to every costumer. He would just have to confirm this awesome discount by sending the clairvoyant his bank account numbers (especially the routing numbers) as proof that he was indeed interested in receiving great price cuts and prizes.

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Now I just sit back and watch while the spam comments come rolling on in. I’m going to shoot high, so I’m guessing that this post will attract 200 or more spam comments in one week. Next Sunday, I’ll let you know how I did.

‘Till then… Spam, spam me do!