Reports have been confirmed that Stephen King’s application to join the Receiving Me? lineup has been denied. Mr. King needed a majority vote from the four person staff, but only managed to glean two votes (from founders Bernard Bygott and Leslie Fox). Unfortunately for Mr. King, staff writer Richard P. did not attend the meeting, due to what he described as “pressing issues that involve my privates”, so that the sole vote of refusal came from Athletic Support columnist, Brett Harsch who told Mr. King to, “Go back to Boston, you buggy-eyed dirt ball!” When Mr. King protested that he was not actually from Boston, but Portland, Maine, Mr. Harsch retorted, “I don’t care where you’re from, just go back there now before I lay a whoopin’ on your face.” When questioned later about why he treated Mr. King with such indignation, Mr. Harsch responded, “I thought I was being nice to the guy.” Other reports are circulating that Mr. Harsch lost some money betting against the Red Sox in the 2004 playoffs, and blamed Mr. King’s incessant attendance at those games for his bad luck; the reports are speculative and wrong.

In further developments, Mr. King is appealing the panel’s decision based on information he says he received from an anonymous source that claims “Mr. Richard P.” is either “imaginary” or “not officially a staff member, having never actually published articles in the periodical”. Calls placed yesterday to Mr. Richard P.’s listed phone number were answered by various women who all claimed they “barely knew him”.

Receiving Me? will keep readers apprised of any additional developments in this exciting and factually accurate story.