Report: Sports at Olympics
Aug 10th, 2008 | By Bernard Bygott | Category: Athletic Support
BEIJING, China - Although it is generally agreed that the Olympics were created to serve as a platform for political activism and global animosity, representatives from The International Olympic Committee (IOC) are bucking the system, claiming that this year’s Olympics in Beijing will feature “athletic competition”. Members of the IOC plan to bring about this radical change by “inviting the most accomplished athletes from around the world to compete with one another in the hope that this will somehow entertain or even inspire people across the globe to embrace the sporting facets of the event.” In support of this extremist initiative the IOC has released a timeline highlighting aspects of the Olympic games they feel were wrongfully overlooked because of various “political sideshows”. Some of the more compelling examples follow:
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Political Sideshow 1936 Summer Olympics, Berlin: 1956 Summer Olympics, Melbourne: 1968 Summer Olympics, Mexico City: 1972 Summer Olympics, Munich: 1976 Summer Olympics, Montreal: 1980 Summer Olympics, Moscow: 1984 Summer Olympics, Los Angeles: 1996 Summer Olympics, Atlanta:
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Stuff You Should Have Cared About Handball debuts at the Olympics; schoolyard bullies everywhere rejoice! Spectators claim that Soviet Viktor Saneiev took at least four jumps en route to his word-record in the triple jump. Saneiev explains that the word “triple” sounds very similar to the word for “four” in Russian; no one has a Russian dictionary on hand; the record stands. God damn East German bastards! Don’t make me sick Jessie Owens on you again! Uhh… I mean… someone wins a gold medal in Judo, and… yeah… synchronized swimming! Tomi Poikolainen (Finland) wins the gold medal in archery by just three points. It’s very exciting for all the people in the world who understand the point system in archery. The United States dominates, winning one hundred and seventy-four medals, including eighty-three golds– it’s almost like some of the competition didn’t even bother showing up. Greece mounts a storied revenge by taking gold in men’s floor exercises (gymnastics, not stripping). Regrettably, the public is too busy watching handball and wondering why the hell they’re in Atlanta. God damn Mormon bastards! Don’t make me sick Jessie Owens on you!
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At a press conference held somewhere near a place known for giving out generous bribes, IOC president, No Won Actually, expressed his dream for the Olympics in more romantic terms: “If the world would just embrace sports at these games, the Olympics could go down as one of the most important athletic events in the history of mankind. Until that time, however, I’m going to keep voting to put the Olympics in places people want to boycott and that get me rich. Strangely, I often find that these places are one and the same.”
Receiving Me? will, as always, keep readers apprised of any actual sporting news that may or may not arise in Beijing as a result of the IOC’s revolutionary vision. So far the detailed report looks something like….
‘Till next time… “Swifter, Higher, Sportier!”
