Buzkashi

Popular throughout central Asia, this progenitor of modern Polo is played with an indeterminate number of players on horseback who vie for control of a dead goat. Upon snatching said goat carcass from the ground the player must then escape from the pack of other players and make his way toward the goal line. Goals are recorded when the goat is thrown over the line.

Cultural note: Traditional refreshments at a Buzkashi match include fermented mare’s milk mixed with blood.

Reason for rejection: Chinese Olympic Committee expressed concerns about obtaining sufficient regulation sized goats. The host nation also questioned the wisdom of inviting a horde of Central Asian horse-warriors below the great wall.

Marco Polo

Traditional aquatic game of the suburbanite tribes who roam the Northeastern United States. All players must remain in the pool while the one who is “it” attempts to tag them. The player who is “it” is not allowed to open his/her eyes and therefore must navigate only by sound. Other players must respond to the call of “Marco” with a call of “Polo” thereby giving “it” something to navigate by.

Cultural Note: Players must enter the pool with either a “Cannonball” or “Jackknife” dive. Bellyflops, long favored in unsanctioned death matches, have been ruled illegal by the international Marco Polo governing body.

Reason for rejection: Suspicion that the Australian representative was actually a man/dolphin hybrid.

Quadruples Table Tennis

This variant of ping-pong first gained popularity in the tar fields of Northern Canada. The game is played with two four-player teams. Two players play standing on the table, or the forecourt, and two players play from the floor, or the backcourt. Rules are those of traditional ping-pong, with the exception that all participants must take a belt of Seagram’s 7 between points.

Cultural Note: Table collapse is quite common in this game and usually leads to an all out “brawl” or “ruck.” Following the ruck, games are typically adjourned until such time as sufficient duct tape repairs are made to the table.

Reason for rejection: IOC filled with a bunch of killjoys who have no sense of humor.

Cell-Phone Toss

This game surged to popularity in all parts of the world simultaneously. Players must be in the middle of critical phone call at which point their call is either dropped or one of the two parties becomes unintelligible to the other. The player will then throw their phone, either for distance, or against a wall, depending on the variant being played. Points are awarded by distance and by the amount of fragments the phone shatters into.

Cultural note: Top ranked players often develop signature “primal screams of rage.”

Reason for rejection: The People’s Republic of China is a thoroughly modern country in which no cell phone calls are ever allowed to fail on penalty of imprisonment and reeducation.

Buggery and Lash

This sport that was invented by Barbary pirates and popularized by British sailors in the seventeenth century. This game is played as a biathlon in which players attempt to score a “bugger” on their opponent, and then compete in lash strokes endured before passing out.

Cultural note: The game achieved it’s greatest popularity in the late nineteenth century when it spread to British Boarding schools.

Reason for rejection: three centuries of British domination have caused decline in interest in competition level events outside the sports traditional enclaves.

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