Receiving Me? » Bernard Bygott

Religion Proves Religion True

Bernard Bygott — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:26:43 +0000

The Garden, EDEN - In a shocking development, religious leaders at St. Saint’s Seminary School have found that according to religion, religion is true. Organizer, Father Padre Père, long a believer in his own religion, expressed hope that the findings would finally put to rest the modern argument that religion is based on superstitious beliefs that would normally be really silly. “There is sort of a poetic justice that religion proved itself, by itself. I’m not really sure why we ever looked elsewhere in the first place. I mean, historically, science and common sense have been no help at all! We really should have known better.”

The team at St. Saint’s Seminary was comprised of various religious leaders from across a myriad of faiths. Though some killed each other during the three-day study, all survivors agreed that religion was entirely provable. An attempt was made to contact the deceased leaders for their opinion, but arguments over the existence and/or precise details of a so-called “afterlife” resulted in further deaths, only complicating the matter. Despite the prodigious death rate, the outcome of the meeting was described by Muhammad Hammadum Dammahum as, “A great day. Everything I already knew was confirmed by things I already knew. This is real progress, and…” (Mr. Dammahum did not survive to complete the sentence.)

The proof that the three surviving religious leaders agreed on is based on a system of deductive reasoning in which one is asked if he or she can formulate a religious argument that can disprove anything already known to be true. Astonishingly, the religious leaders found that their respective doctrines could disprove nothing true at all. It therefore followed that their doctrines themselves were true– as a false doctrine would surely disprove truth, while a true doctrine would never disprove truth.

Regardless of the overwhelming stupidity brilliance of it all, some people (with brains) remain skeptical. Evolutionary Biologist, Aye Puh Mahn, issued a statement condemning the meeting as “suitable”. Receiving Me? attempted to reach Mr. Mahn for further comment, but (in a completely explainable twist of fate) Mr. Mahn slipped on a banana peel and fell into a catatonic state. A hospital chaplain visits him daily.

We Want Yer Booty!

Bernard Bygott — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:00:47 +0000

It doesn’t take much to anger the copyright Gods. Receiving Me? has been a bastion of illegal activity from its inception. From dropping knowledge bombs on the drive-by-media to other things we’ve never done, Receiving Me? has proudly thumbed its virtual nose at any family members willing to read our thoughts… but times have changed. Apparently, in a feat of enormous irregularity, somebody without actual blood ties to Receiving Me? has happened upon our happy, irreverent, thieving community. This person claims actual “ownership” over material that has appeared in Receiving Me?. This marks the first occurrence of such an admission. We did try obtaining confessions like this in the past, but our attempts were often thwarted by utter silence or tears (usually both). And so, with this completely fictitious history in mind, we invite you to peruse the following letter (as well as links for Quantum of Solace and Transporter 3).

Dear receivingme,
Video Disabled
A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Tom Petty - Mary Jane/Nosferatu Mashup. The audio content identified in your video is Mary Jane’s Last Dance by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.
Replace Your Audio with AudioSwap
Don’t worry, we have plenty of music available for your use. Please visit our AudioSwap library to learn how you can easily replace the audio in your video with any track from our growing library of fully licensed songs.
Other Options
If you think there’s been a mistake, or you have other questions, please visit the Copyright Notice page in your account.
Sincerely,
The YouTube Content Identification Team

They must have missed the article in which Mr. Petty asked us to re-edit his video and mistreated our imaginary secretary, Victoria. Gosh, we miss her.

Now try out these links:

(Quantum of Solace) Make sure to launch the “ninja video helper” as it states at the top of the linked page.

(Transporter 3) Seriously, it won’t work otherwise!

Turkey Pardons Bush

Bernard Bygott — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:54:59 +0000

Washington, DC - President Harry Truman was the first US president to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey. Both scrupulous and unscrupulous turkeys alike have been pardoned ever since… until now. With President Bush’s approval rating dipping bellow the approval rating of “Pumpkin” (this year’s turkey chosen for pardon), officials in the White House have decided to modify the tradition and have the turkey pardon Bush. Bush’s harshest critics (i.e. everyone) are up in arms over what they describe as a sinister PR move that aims to capitalize on human inability to discern Pumpkin’s true opinion of the controversial president. Members of the activist group moveon.org posted their thoughts online claiming that, “There is no evidence to support the theory that Pumpkin supports the war in Iraq or evil. It is more likely that Pumpkin actually is a pumpkin.” However, Press Secretary, Dana Perino, issued a statement claiming that the President and Pumpkin had a long meeting in which it was firmly established that the two share many things in common including illiteracy and silly grins. “It logically follows that Pumpkin is a Republican,” said Ms. Perino. Leaders in the Democratic party were unsure how to respond to the claim, knowing full well that distancing themselves from illiterate Americans would marginalize their base, while admitting that nobody likes silly grins. Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-Nev), acknowledged “Ms. Perino’s statements were among the shrewdest I’ve heard in the political arena… we may just have to admit defeat for a little while, at least until people forget our admission, or, better yet, until the president is pardoned by Santa Claus, whichever comes first.”

[cough] Kevin’s better [cough]

Bernard Bygott — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:30:55 +0000

After the Eagles were defeated by the Baltimore Ravens [cough] 36-7 [cough], some questions remained as to why starting quarterback Donovan McNabb was pulled from the game with the score [cough] 10-7 [cough]. To his credit, Andy Reid explained his controversial decision at the post game press conference by clearing his throat for 20 minutes. McNabb himself tried the same tactic, but came up 1 minute short of papa bear’s mark. Fortunately, he spent the final minute of the conference vowing to work harder on his [cough] phlegm [cough] production.

In further developments, Receiving Me? reporters obtained an “artistic rendering” commissioned by a high ranking front office person who [cough] “may or may not be both the coach and Executive Vice President of Football Operations,” [cough] that seems to imply that second string quarterback Kevin Kolb is better than the Eagles all time passing leader. While the authority of an argument made via artistic rendering is [cough] irrefutable [cough], reporters are puzzled as to why the rendering was commissioned in [cough] 2006 [cough] sometime approximately within the time frame [cough] Jeff Garcia [cough] was filling in for the injured McNabb. [cough]

Receiving Me? will have more to say on the subject as soon as we’re done clearing our own throats or [cough] things become even more obvious than they already are [cough]– whichever comes first. [cough]

Obama wins Receiving Me? election! (Nader remains hopeful)

Bernard Bygott — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 01:52:53 +0000

It was a hard fought election, but before the fake ballots were even counted, Barack Obama was declared the first African American Editor and Chief of Receiving Me?. Experts agree that Editor and Chief Elect Obama benefited from not knowing or even caring about the election results. “Unlike his opponents, who made jackasses out of themselves, Obama stayed above the fray”, said political commentator Ialsodo Tempwork.

Editor and Chief Elect Obama issued a brief statement written by someone else shortly after receiving word of his victory: “I am grateful, I think, for this honor, maybe. However, this is not really an honor. Can we please go back to talking about how good a speaker I am.” The press was moved to tears.

More shocking than Obama’s landslide victory in an election in which he didn’t even know he was participating, was Ralph Nader’s sound victory in Florida. Apparently, Mr. Nader who had been campaigning exclusively in Florida in an attempt to “ruin the recent presidential election results” for reasons of “there really are none”, unknowingly was placed on the Receiving Me? Florida ballots in an unusual show of cooperation between Floridian Republicans and Democrats who both “hate him with a fiery passion and wish he would burn in Hell.” According to a spokesperson for the bipartisan group Nater’s Haters, the group’s constituents could think of no greater punishment for the man than to force him to run a fake magazine with as many redeeming values as the article you’re reading now. Unfortunately for the Haters, Nader has been stating that the win in Florida represents “America’s desire to free herself from corporate greed.” The Haters point out that this sounds suspiciously like his last three campaigns for the presidency where he claimed that a vote for him represented “America’s desire to free herself from corporate greed.” Editors Note: After extensive research Receiving Me? found no actual similarities in these statements.

Other results were less shocking: Uber-Conservative/Nazi, Freeman Frohlich took Texas, which surprised no one, Leslie Fox took Alaska because he was the strongest female in the field, and Bernard Bygott carried “that part of the map that is always included with Alaska.” (Obama is demanding a recount of the area, protesting that Bygott could not have won a state in which Obama may or may not have been born.) Editor’s Note: Receiving Me? had no idea Nigeria had joined the union. Finally, Pates Baroni, while running an excellent campaign, was unable to gain a majority vote in any one state. Analysis suggests that voters were swayed by Fox’s negative campaign ads that suggested Baroni was a Morlock.

When asked whether he was planning on moving Receiving Me? in a new direction, Obama replied, “To what direction could you possibly be referring?” The reporter was moved to tears. Obama explained the joke- it was very moving.

Obama’s First Editor’s Note: The guy that wrote this is probably just emotionally handicapped by the Bush Tax cuts and the war in Iraq. Give him some time. Things will get better for him as soon as someone who can string together a coherent thought is put in the White House. If not, then he’s probably just hopeless. The important thing to remember, however, is that there is just no possible way that you are not getting a beautiful warm and fuzzy feeling all over right now…. I can hear those sniffles… just let it out… let it out… that’s right… Want to know my secret?… come close and I’ll tell you… a little closer… you’re entirely safe here… just close your eyes and relax… now take a deep, deep relaxing breath and sigh out while saying these words… “life without Bush”…. “life without Bush”… “life without Bush”, feels good, huh? Now just let it all out… good… let it all out… good…

By-Gott, he’s Back! (updated 3rd time!)

Bernard Bygott — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:57:04 +0000

Despite the headline, former Receiving Me? Editor and Chief, Bernard Bygott, has yet to stage his official return to these virtual pages of infamy, opting instead to use his incredible ability to “borrow” stuff in order to share a documentary with “the readership” (Leslie and Pates’ moms)– those lost souls who find themselves here by accident may also watch free of charge.

Maybe I should say something profound about this documentary. Or maybe you should!

if you think I’m rad because I conjured these vids and you don’t know how… ask for more! I can be very accommodating. But, as always, be careful what you wish for!

Elect Bernard Bygott ‘08

Bernard Bygott — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:49:16 +0000

You’ve heard the lies from Leslie Fox. Maybe you’ve noticed that someone is named “Pates Baroni”? I thank you for indulging lesser minds, but the time has come for some unadulterated awesome. Vote Bernard Bygott Editor and Chief, or be associated with losers forever. I trust no one wants to burden themselves with the prospect of such a profoundly barren existence. (In case you’re not already convinced, the video below will explain everything…)

Elect Bernard Bygott ‘08

Having problems with the video above? Try a crappier version on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfpqSeqtR3U&fmt=18

No Excuses… Just Opera

Bernard Bygott — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 06:26:48 +0000

Occasionally I write very involved lies to justify the content on this blogazine. This is not one of those times. Here’s the trailer I made for International Opera Theater’s production of Romeo e Giulietta (the English translation is extremely obscure). Composed by Emily Wong. Conducted by Simone Luti. Directed by Karen Saillant. Rumor is the opera will be coming to Philly… everybody in the (opera) house yell “Hell yeah!”

No Excuses… Just Opera

Spade seeks Confirmation

Bernard Bygott — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:41:51 +0000

HOLLYWOOD, CA - David Spade waited for DNA reports to identify him as the father of 22-year-old playboy playmate Jillian Grace’s child. Doctors insisted that that the tests were necessary because “another man equally as ugly might also have slept with Ms. Grace at some point.”

Grace could not be reached for comment. Her publicist stated that she was “held up in meetings with Steve Buscemi.”
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Michael Jackson @ 50

Bernard Bygott — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 07:13:15 +0000

Neverland Ranch, CA – Michael Jackson turned 50 on Friday. Although the star received an overwhelming variety of birthday presents from family, friends, and fans alike, one anonymous superfan offered the King of Pop something truly unusual: an opportunity to travel back in time and eliminate the many botched plastic surgeries that have since left his face “falling apart”.

Amazingly, the time contraption successfully transformed Jackson into a rather normal looking African American man! Further details will be made available whenever the paralyzing shock wears off.

In an unrelated story, sources close to Jackson report that the star has opened the Neverland School of Arts and Crafts.

*age progression based on work from www.forartist.com
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