Action star, Steven Seagal, has had a fruitful career in the direct-to-video circuit for the past ten years, but Oscar insiders are projecting a major comeback for the hair plugged action giant. Later this month, Seagal will release a film that represents his “most intense, most personal work to date,” aptly titled Driven to Kill. According to sources too made up … [continue]

I can’t seem to grow up. There is some radical, rogue chemical in my thick skull that leads me to make decisions that ensure I maintain the maturity level of a kindergartener. I love this chemical. I hate this chemical. Everyone around me is getting married, launching careers, making plans, discussing serious issues that get printed on the front page … [continue]

While on a mission to locate long-lost co-founder, Leslie Fox, members of the RM? task force discovered documentary footage that they claim sheds new light on Fox’s disappearance. According to sources familiar with the film, Fox is depicted as a “highly trained ninja” who has mastered “out of sync voice projection” and other vital ninja skills. Why Fox is seen … [continue]

Despite our solemn oath of eternal anonymity, we at RM? have decided to expose ourselves to iTunes. From this day forward, all “Eargasms” entries will appear on iTunes, so why not subscribe below! And, yes… hopefully iTunes can handle our massive junk!!! [continue]

You are only ever as absurd as you seem when you open the thoughts’ foil stained cherry pies.
Your lashes jut out like the rivers gone through, holding that which seemed awkward in jobs of lust.
That’s why up until now the fighting of the soul found copy-paper would do just fine.
Reaching into quietness, zooming into pale hacks of godless shame, keeping … [continue]

There was a time when Receiving Me?, the greatest online faux mag since www.insertanythinghere.com, boasted a robust staff of nine (although, only four writers were willing to use their real names for fear that, as one anonymous contributor put it, “Someone might read this.”) Those were the golden days, when words were plentiful and, on occasion, were combined in such … [continue]

In a national pole conducted by some organization that sounds impressive, movie goers preferred the X-Men Origins: Wolverine workprint over the final studio cut. The top three reasons: “You can pretend the shitty parts of the workprint will be edited out.”, followed by, “Since this exact movie has been made a hundred times in the last ten years, it was … [continue]

Dear Mom,

I really wanted to make it home for Easter, or at the very least, I really wanted to have some very good reasons for not making it home. It appears, thus far, I have failed on both fronts. However, if there is one thing I have learned as a thirty-year-old deadbeat, it’s that it’s never too late … [continue]

While perusing a book of supposed truths called Uncle John’s Extraordinary Book of Facts & Bizarre Information, I ran across an ironic sidebar: “The lowest man on the totem pole is the most important.” While this would lead some to question how exactly this turn of phrase came to mean the (ahem) polar opposite (sorry, I had to go there), it … [continue]

Disclaimer: The following is provided for educational purposes only and in no way condones stealing movies from the rightful millionaires who deserve your money!!! Seriously, if you like a film… try paying for it!!!

So, technologically unsophisticated one, you have recently discovered that there are ways to borrow movies using a little invention called “the internet”. However, you are … [continue]