Will, listen if there’s any sane part of you left, please, stop. Just stop. I know you said, “parents just don’t understand”, but this is Athletic Support we’re talking about here, now we just don’t understand. We’ve tried, but we really don’t. You’re too good for this, and it’s really tearing us up inside to watch this happen.

So, gentle readers, I’m asking for your help. Assuming Will is too far gone to be saved by my plea, please sign the below petition. Perhaps the sound of all of our voices ringing out together will be enough to bring him back from the dark side. Together, we can save him from Cruise and the rest of the crazies. Thank you and God speed.

Yes, there are few things we like more than going to a nice small bar, ordering a couple pints of Yuengling, watching a game, and waiting to get hit on. In fact, we enjoy it so much, we’re going to share our tips with you, dear reader, in an unusual bout of generosity. What follows is our step by step guide to picking up women while watching baseball:

Step 1: Go to a bar that is showing baseball on the TV. This is crucial. Otherwise you’re just a dude in a bar. But if it has televisions showing baseball, then you are a dude watching baseball in a bar. It’s paying attention to the details like this that enables you to be successful.

Step 2: Sit down at the bar. We like the middle of the bar. If possible, find a place with an empty seat or two next to it. Do not sit down between two large drunk men who look like angry badgers. If that’s the only option, stand and wait for another seat to open up.

Step 3: Pull out your reading material. Sorry, we forgot to mention that earlier. Step 1 really should be: find something to read. This is crucial. We put a lot of thought into the reading material and think that we’ve discovered the perfect thing: The Onion. A close second is the “New Yorker,” but the Onion is really the best. Just trust us.

Step 4: Watch baseball. Notice we didn’t say jump up and down with excitement like a marmoset with ADD. Also crucial. Just sit there and watch the game, leave the screaming and fist-pumping at home. A knowing smile and small shake of the head is the most emotion that you are allowed to show. Further, this reaction can and should be used when either good or bad things happen to your team.

Step 5: During commercials, look down at your reading material and read. No, really, actually read. Do not, repeat, DO NOT, use commercials as a time to scan the bar and check for ladies. They will come, trust us. But like the pot of yore, they will not come if they are being watched. If you must scope the lady situation, take a quick trip to the men’s room and get a lay of the land on your way there and back.

Step 6: Wait for ladies to talk to you. I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Why, you ask, would ladies talk to me? All you’ve had me do all night was get buzzed, watch some baseball, read a pretentious humor newspaper, and ignore women. This is true, but like alchemy turning lead to gold, these sorts of things just can’t be explained. For whatever reason, this sort of behavior seems to drive the ladies crazy. Now maybe they aren’t the best looking creatures you’ve ever seen, and they’re probably a little desperate if they’re talking to such a pathetic looking guy such as yourself, but still, they are females. Real, live, actual females. And they’re talking to you, while drinking. In other words, they’re exactly what you’ve been looking for. And besides, even if it doesn’t pan out, you’ve gotten drunk, enjoyed some baseball and caught up on your reading. So stop whining and get out there and enjoy the picking up ladies while watching baseball season, you lazy bastards.

Question 1:

Your Boss has just invited you out to lunch during the tourney, with the implicit understanding that this will be a longer than normal lunch, and one at which a few beers may be consumed (this is common during the tournament and one of the main reasons that this event is costing our economy billions and speeding our eventual takeover by the Chinese– Fun!). Which of the following is the best option?

A: Turn down the invite while muttering something about the damn commies and how good they are at math.

B: Turn him down, saying you have a lot of actual work to do.

C: Accept the offer while screaming, “Woohoo! Woohoo! Me gonna drinky drinky during the day!”– and then run around the office like a monkey while flinging poo.

D: Turn him down, suggesting that the tournament is a clear attempt by the patriarchy to keep women barefoot and pregnant and one of the reasons for the continuing pay gap between the genders.

Answer: (C) You must never turn down such an invitation. It doesn’t matter if you act like a cracked out ape while doing it, it’s still better than turning down such an offer.

Question 2:

After the first weekend, thanks to being a sublime basketball genius, you are leading your office pool. Congrats. However, this is a critical time, one that must be handled with subtlety and grace. Coworkers will be watching you, testing you:
Monday morning, one of them (let’s call him “Steve”) comes up to you and asks how your bracket is looking. Which of the following responses is the most correct?

A: Run to your computer, print 500 copies of your bracket, wallpaper his cube with them and say “Gee Steve, I don’t know how it’s looking, maybe you can tell me?”

B: Smack Steve repeatedly with a wad of money, and tell him to squeal like a pig.

C: Hump Steve’s leg, question his sexuality and loudly blather on about how great your bracket is looking and how you just knew that UNLV was going to win.

D: Drive to Steve’s house, cuckold him, steal his dog, make his children love you, and pee in his pool. Drive back to office, look at him nonchalantly and reply, “It’s looking pretty good so far. How’s yours?”

Answer: (D). It’s all about being a classy and graceful winner.

Key:
0 correct: You’re a loutish pig.
1 correct: You’re a man-donkey hybrid who should be kept away from children.
2 correct: You’re cool with us buddy.