Sport is a method ... [continue]]]> A likely trio of illegal immigrants, liberal intelligentsia, and professional basketball players has joined forces to destroy America’s sporting traditions from within this free land.  Their goal is nothing less than destroying the American ideal of manhood through importing the “world’s game” to our shores, and implanting it in the soul of the nation’s youth.

Sport is a method of teaching youth society’s values and preferred virtues.  The rules of our chosen games reflect the battles young men will later encounter from boardrooms to airport bars.  How insidious then to replace American football, with its emphasis on frequent and arbitrary line drawing, brutality, and dogmatic adherence to pre-planned scripts, with a sport that trumpets individual creativity, spur of the moment decision-making, and moments of sublime beauty!  Soon our sons will find hard-nosed negotiation distasteful.  They will chose professions based on their individual wont.  Instead of destroying bottles of spirits, they will spend their free time at museums of art or science.

Compare American football, a game where the lines are redrawn on every play, and the defense endlessly dares the offense to show its got the round and harries to cross the line of scrimmage, the first down line, the goal line.  Football teaches boys the fundamentals of success in American corporate life: endlessly drawing and crossing imaginary lines in a Punch and Judy contest to prove who can grind out a result.  Football is a game spent mostly in preparation, as players huddle the clock away planning the next outburst of brief brutality.  So too is most cubicle time spent creating various charts and colorful graphs, using various frustrating Microsoft programs, with the goal being that the graphs “give good meeting,” and are as divorced from the reality they depict as possible.

Soccer has only a few lines that mean anything significant, and one of those is in constant flux, controlled by the defense!  How European to make the defensive line a tribute to relativism!  To trap the offense into a position with no semantic meaning!  How long until soccer’s governing bodies insist that officials judge the offside line not just by physical position on the field, but also by the societal, historical, and economic circumstance of the club playing the offside trap?

Our sons need saving from this morass of aesthetic beauty and creativity.  The most sensible policy is to assert our values in another traditionally American way: through our penal system.  Harsh sentences for possession of a soccer ball, worse for its use, and felony penalty for its distribution.  That will ensure soccer is spread only in American subcultures, where it can wreak its havoc with abandon.  Let the War on Soccer begin.  Otherwise, the next Don Draper could instead become the next Pepe Le Pew.

Little evokes the unsatisfying spirit of Jimmy Carter like a tie in professional football.  Ties are so rare in the NFL that, league wide, the stretch between ties is measured in years.  A certain number of NFL players didn’t know of the possibility of the tie as recently as last week, that number being either fifty percent or Donovan McNabb.  ... [continue]]]>

Little evokes the unsatisfying spirit of Jimmy Carter like a tie in professional football.  Ties are so rare in the NFL that, league wide, the stretch between ties is measured in years.  A certain number of NFL players didn’t know of the possibility of the tie as recently as last week, that number being either fifty percent or Donovan McNabb.  The tie seems to exist in the NFL rulebook as a contingency foreseen but hardly expected, perhaps the NFL rule makers wrote the tie into the book to mock the frequency of draws in that other, un-American football.

Last week’s tie feels to Eagles fans like the epitome of a season with little resolution or clarity.  The Eagles rank near the top of most statistical categories revered and recent.  They have a mix of Pro Bowl veterans and bright young talents in the linebacking core and a punt returner.  The team has so far come up maddeningly short of getting over the hump of expectations, losing close contests to then NFC favorite Dallas Cowboys and current NFC favorite NY Giants.  Despite the close score and back and forth play of both games, talk radio and journalists out to make their mark have been unyielding in their belief that the coach has spent his last ill conceived challenge in Philadelphia.

The harshness of the radio, and therefore of the frustrated fan, may surprise outside spectators.  The city is barely a month removed from a raucous championship celebration.  The coach and quarterback have won more games for the franchise than anyone else.  These facts are mash for the mill in the Eagles’ news cycle, feed me wins or feed me bodies now!

The easy cliché runs: the Eagles’ news cycle is Zen like, looking neither back nor forward to concentrate on the ineffable rage of the now.  Change must come, and the new coach offers the same promise any new roll of the dice does.  “Horses for courses” a man who knows colorful analogies once told me.  I wonder what horse could possibly survive the run through this course.

In more civil and banal times, I could get behind the President choosing a cabinet to promote stability and continuity, or for simple political reasons.  This is no time for Carter-ian prudence, though.  America voted for change.  America gave Obama the mandate to bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus.

The voters, or maybe the fates themselves, have already decided how to ... [continue]]]>

In more civil and banal times, I could get behind the President choosing a cabinet to promote stability and continuity, or for simple political reasons.  This is no time for Carter-ian prudence, though.  America voted for change.  America gave Obama the mandate to bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus.

The voters, or maybe the fates themselves, have already decided how to bring America to the world correct.  The RZA.  Inspectah Deck.  Method Man.  Raekwon, the Chef.  The GZA (Wu – Tang forms like Voltron, and he’s the head.)  U-God, and both the Ghostface and Masta Killas.  A robot, programmed at MIT, with an algorithm that simulates the erratic genius of the Ol’ Dirty Bastard, aka Big Baby Jesus.

The arguments are so simple and obvious they almost don’t need mention, but let me lay this down for posterity.

America has called for more transparency in government; Obama was elected as a response to the insular decision making of the Bush administration.  The Wu fears no man, and will communicate frankly and openly with the American people.  To wit:

Raw I’m gonna give it to ya, with no trivia
Raw like cocaine straight from Bolivia
-    U – God, Da Mystery of Chessboxin’

This is no time for America to appear soft.  The vice president elect himself, in one of his “Why hasn’t anyone shut this guy’s mike off?” moments, has promised an international crisis soon into the Obama Presidency.  The Wu welcomes such crisis, the Wu sees crisis as an opportunity to defeat America’s enemies and take what’s theirs:

Rae got it goin on pal, call me the rap assassinator
Rhymes rugged and built like Schwarzenegger
And I’m a get mad deep like a threat, blow up your project
Then take all your assets
-    Raekwon, the Chef, Protect Ya Neck

Even the most virulent hawk can get behind that policy.

The most pressing issue on Americans’ minds is the economy, and you know the Wu will get that money:

Cash Rules Everything Around Me
C.R.E.A.M.
Get the money
Dollar, dollar bill y’all
-    Method Man, C.R.E.A.M.

The Wu has mastered every medium they have faced: music, television, movies.  They have effectively had a liberal arts education to rival any four-year institution.  If the Wu turn their gaze to politics, they will soon make even the sleaziest K Street lobby bow in fear:

I come rough, tough like an elephant tusk
Ya head rush, fly like Egyptian musk
Aw shit, Wu-Tang Clan spark the wicks an’
However, I master the trick just like Nixon
-    Ghostface Killah, Bring Da Ruckus

Announce your presence to the world with authority, Obama.  Wu – tang!

If you walk down South Street on any given day, you’d likely run into a certain crazy old man, and he’d challenge you to a fight.  This gentlemen is quite good at what he does: you’d want to fight him despite the facts that he is: (1) old, and (2) crazy.  The man is so compelling, so practiced ... [continue]]]>

If you walk down South Street on any given day, you’d likely run into a certain crazy old man, and he’d challenge you to a fight.  This gentlemen is quite good at what he does: you’d want to fight him despite the facts that he is: (1) old, and (2) crazy.  The man is so compelling, so practiced in his challenges, that you lose all perspective and sense; and you find yourself resisting a compelling urge to fight an old man.

Herm Edwards is the NFL coaching equivalent of South Street’s crazy old fightin’ guy.  The Chiefs should have fired Herm at least sixteen months ago, and their failure to fire Herm has morphed the man into a quixotic odyssey into the insane.  Herm has left football strategy behind as he journeys into increasingly mind numbing expressions of the Chiefs’ failure.  Here’s a sample of Herm quotes, any one of which would result in instant release from a sane NFL team:

-    Herm on losing: “Get over it, it happens, it’s called life.”
-    Herm on the 2007 Chiefs season: “Am I glad it’s over?  Yes, I’m glad it’s over.”
-    Herm on obviousness: “When you play the games, the players have to make the plays.”
-    Herm on obviousness, Part 2: “We have more three-and-outs than anybody in football.  We have more negative plays than anybody in football.  It’s hard playing that way.”
-    Herm on the running game: “It would be nice if we could run the football.”
-    Herm on last season’s 0-2 start: “We got into that wreck again.”
-    Herm on winning, and losing: “It would have been a good win for us, because we could use on of those right now.”
-    Herm on high-powered NFL offenses: “When we score seven points, I’ll say we’re slow starting. If we score 21 points, I’ll say, ‘Whoa, we scored a lot of points.’ Twenty-one points – that’s a lot of points. Thirty points? That isn’t even a football game. That’s Arena Football. We’re talking about real football.”
-    Herm on one of his losing seasons: “The only good thing about this is, it’s only one season.  It’s not a bunch of seasons.”

Bear in mind, these are only glimpses into the mind of Herm Edwards.  The actual machinations behind these utterances will never come to light, and the world is a saner place for it.

Examining Herm quotes overshadows the other painfully obvious reason he should be fired: the Chiefs’ egregiously poor performance.  Defensive specialist Edwards has created a defense that surrendered 300 rushing yards to the Raiders.  The Chiefs have now lost eleven straight games.  The performance issue is not nearly as important or interesting as the crazy issue.

So the question is, why hasn’t Herm gotten his pink slip?  My own arm-chair theory is a variation on the car wreck hypothesis: this Herm thing is just too compelling to end.  Any sane person watching the Edwards’ saga is compelled to stop and observe as events that defy the mind unfold.  Every week, I look forward to Herm slapping common sense in the face; making common sense his bitch.  In the same way, I look forward to running into crazy old fightin’ South Street guy.  It’s a moment in an otherwise banal day where something disturbing, insane, but strangely wonderful cracks into the world.  I expect some authority, some force of sense and order, to end the madness, and yet it continues.  That some businessman would allow Herm Edwards to helm a professional organization, with unimaginable wealth hanging in the balance, is so utterly bizarre that I hope it never ends.

Postscript

Here are some other famous Herm quotes:
-    Herm on work ethic: “You’ve got to earn it. You can’t count on other people to do your job for you.”
-    Herm on alternative careers: “I did a lot of preaching this week. I had my sermons ready. The good part is the congregation was listening. I wish I had passed the collection plate. I would’ve made a lot of money. But I did it for free.”
-    Herm on linguistics: “Talk is free. You never know what’s going to happen after you talk.”

WASHINGTON, DC - Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan confirmed today that the Republican Party will remove John McCain from the ballot as their official candidate, and instead run “Not Obama”. Mr. Duncan stated to the press, “We have found that the campaign really centers on the one candidate, so why bother running another person against him? Our ... [continue]]]>

WASHINGTON, DC - Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan confirmed today that the Republican Party will remove John McCain from the ballot as their official candidate, and instead run “Not Obama”. Mr. Duncan stated to the press, “We have found that the campaign really centers on the one candidate, so why bother running another person against him? Our position is, ‘Not Obama’”.

The decision mirrors both the Republican and Democrat’s strategy to focus the campaign on Mr. Obama. The Republican party has already begun running attack ads, blaming Obama for gas prices, comparing him to various dilettantes, and making vague allusions to Nazi Germany. Mr. McCain fell into the trap himself, speaking in his public appearances solely about Obama’s policies, riffing on Obama’s flag pin gaffe with the press, and wondering in his private journal whether Obama would take him to the Inaugural Ball.

Many states have changed their ballots to reflect the new electoral choice. Colorado is testing a tentative ballot with a single question and just two boxes for the voter to check. It reads “Do you like Obama?” and then has a box next to “Yes” and another next to “No”. Colorado officials are undecided about including a “Maybe” box. Officials will slip the ballot in voters’ lockers when they know voters are in English class.

Constitutional scholars are split over what will happen if “Not Obama” wins in November. Duke’s Erwin Chemerinsky believes voters will move on to another crush, say the boy who bags groceries at the local Whole Foods, while Harvard’s Cass Sunstein thinks voters will stay in their rooms for a couple weeks, then burn their Obama scrapbooks and focus on getting that Dashboard Confessional fan club up and running.

This magazine recently ran two pieces endorsing Barrack Obama, firmly ensconsing Receiving Me? in the radical tradition of Hollywood Celiberals and neo Clooney-ism. And by tradition, I mean left wing moonbat conspiracy. Before you call me an A.M. radio listening wingnut [i] for making such an accusation, I offer you unequivocal proof: Hollywood provided this very magazine with a quid ... [continue]]]>

This magazine recently ran two pieces endorsing Barrack Obama, firmly ensconsing Receiving Me? in the radical tradition of Hollywood Celiberals and neo Clooney-ism. And by tradition, I mean left wing moonbat conspiracy. Before you call me an A.M. radio listening wingnut [i] for making such an accusation, I offer you unequivocal proof: Hollywood provided this very magazine with a quid pro quo [ii] for endorsing Imam [iii] Obama. I am quite sure Receiving Me? will remember to declare the value of this corruption to their beloved IRS this April, lest they bankrupt their sacred Social Programs.

Thanks to the rigid grip the FCC holds on all forms of “expression” [iv] here in God’s own Land, the beneficent oligarchy of the Superclass has appointed myself, a humble descendent of John Hobbes, Niccolo Machievelli, and Tomás de Torquemada, to purify Receiving Me?’s position on the upcoming election for People’s Tribune. [v] Some have ignorantly declared that the stakes of this election are high, but I assure any common reading this in any American inner city that nothing could be further from the truth. Voting in the upcoming election, urban reader, is entirely unnecessary and non-compulsory. [vi] Despite that plain fact, I will now take up my task to explain to you commons who cannot accept the wisdom of the Superclass on its face alone why the Honorable Reverend John Sidney McCain III [vii] is predetermined [viii] to become People’s Tribune.

John McCain will return God’s own Land to the principles of Its founding, not necessarily principles enshrined in the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, Federalist Papers, or other public or personal writings of the Founders, more like principles the GOP assumes the Founders really secretly intended. Principles sacred to the Judeo-Christian tradition [ix] as lived by the commons in our particular social and historical moment. I don’t have to tell you what those are, unless you go to some Church with less than Ten Thousand members at a service. If you still don’t know, I’d really rather communicate these principles to you in tongues, so you get the full effect, so come to the huge building with the spotlights outside that isn’t part of the local sports complex. Anyway, McCain has been into this stuff for the rememberable past. He’s well positioned to dictate the social order in a way you’re comfortable with, but also feel masochistically fulfilled by.

In contrast to the aforementioned vaunted Principles, Receiving Me?’s [x] bought and paid for endorsement of Imam Obama rests on the amorphous concepts of “Hope” and “Change”. You, the common, are forced into the rhetoric corner: “I mean … I’m for hope! Aren’t you? If you’re against hope, I think you need to learn to CHANGE that frown from upside down and embrace HOPE.” [xi] This is exactly the type of “expression” [xii] the left uses to confuse you, common reader, into believing the Imam is some type of magical being who can bring the ineffable into existence. This is snake oil salesmanship at its finest. Where does this hope come from? Does the Imam have a hope factory, where he produces hope like model-T’s, for the widespread consumption of you, the commons? As the Superclass entirely owns the means of production throughout God’s Own Land, I can assure you, reader, that he does not.

The illusion of choice is presented thusly: you, God fearing reader, can acknowledge your own ignorance as a common and your desire that your betters [xiii] structure your existence, or you can hope that the Imam’s secret rituals bring change that doesn’t include a new Caliphite. [xiv]

But we agree on “Mrs.” Clinton. That’s a dude.

i. Which is what you would say, you slanderous, weak kneed, illegitimate child of Bill Maher and Tony Blair.

ii. http://receivingme.com/blog/archives/14.

iii. For those ignorant of the Mohammedans, an Imam is a leader of Obama’s secret faith. This is not one of the secret faiths of our Forefathers, gentle reader, Obama is neither Bilderberg, nor Templar, nor is he a Brethren of the Rose Cross.

iv. The reader will note that the term “expression” is a Liberal neologism that I define, for the chaste reader’s benefit, as the spreading of insanity.

v. People’s Tribune is, it hardly bears mentioning, the correct title for what the commons call the “President of the United States of America”. Implying that office has any authority over the beneficent oligarchy of the Superclass is both a venial breach of RightThought and an example of the kind of soft naivete in Liberal thinking that makes the movement dangerous to commons and Superclass alike.

vi. This is not Brazil, urban reader, your participation is neither required nor desired.

vii. Captain, recipient of a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart and a Distinguished Flying Cross, Representative of the First Congressional District of Arizona, Senator from the Pretty Decent, Really Better than New Mexico in Certain Ways, if you Think About It State of Arizona, Campaign Finance Reformer, Veteran, Prisoner of War, and Guy You Commons would much Rather Have a Domestic Lager With, I assure you.

viii. Cynics and Clooney-ites would say predetermined by the Superclass, which is true but besides the point, completely Ignoratio elenchi undecided voter - reader. I would also remind you, fickle minded and feckless reader, slanders of the beneficent oligarchy of the Superclass constitute mortal breach of RightThought and Hammurabi’s Code.

ix. Well, not really the Judeo part, and by Christian I mean as Christ was interpreted by a Nineteenth century Scot, not by anyone for the first 1800+ years of Christianity. You aren’t reading these anyway, right? This isn’t exactly David Foster Wallace here, more like Jonathan Franzen (ohh, burn!).

x. Observant reader, you have surely noted that Receving Me? is phrased as a question so that any attempt to use the possessive with Receiving Me? is inherently awkward, grammatically disastrous, and just makes the writer look like a douche. Why do you think it is, discerning reader, that the authors of Receiving Me? wish to disclaim possession of their own writings?

xi. And the left accuses Fox News of rhetorical bludgeon.

xii. See supra note iv, fastidious reader, for definition and definitive proof re: “expression”. For the indolent reader, expression is the spreading of insanity.

xiii. If you resist this description of your inherent value relative to the Superclass, crass reader, ask yourself: have you understood the Latin phrases that pepper this soup of argument?

xiv. Beneficent Superclass or the yoke of neo Mohammedan rule? For those of you commons still unable to decide, remember to face east five times a day when you get your hoped-for change.