Receiving Me? » Leslie Fox

Everybody’s Working for the Weekend

Leslie Fox — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:36:20 +0000

President Obama has policy ambitions beyond that of your average president. Perhaps it’s because of a friendly senate and a country in crisis, after all, the word for crisis in Greek is (opportunity + sub-prime meltdown – volcano)/tragic incest*. Thus far Mr. Obama has gotten quite a bit done. Massive injections of capital into troubled financial institutions, state governments, and the automotive industry have lead to a world shortage of zeros, to the point where this author is forced to spell zero, or use a capital “o” when I wish to refer to the mathematical symbol for naught.

Some of this spending may even be having a positive effect. The banking system seems to have stabilized, and it’s now become possible to imagine a future economy that does not rely on the barter system.

But this president isn’t content with merely trying to save the economy, no, the agenda moves on. Last month the president signed a credit card reform act that ensured that no American need ever enter one of our national parks without a handgun. God bless America and dad-blast varmints.

But, despite these signs of progress and steps toward reform, problems continue to surface. This last week saw the final death rattle of GM’s solvency. Now comes the limbo of chapter 11. Will bankruptcy render GM down to sweet succulent broth of viability? Or will there be nothing left but a scorched sludge of gristle-like assets too laden with debt and decrepitude to sell? Only time will tell, or to put it another way, I’m no longer sure what question I was trying to ask, but I would like some soup.

It’s enough to make one wonder how the president found time to hit New York City with Michelle for dinner and a show. Many feel that president’s callus act, taking time off on a Saturday to do fun things with his wife, was a disgusting and decadent display that shows how out of touch he is with struggling Americans who have lost their jobs, health insurance, or higher brain function.

Senator Mitch McConnell, (R) Kentucky, led the chorus of outrage. “In this time of economic crisis, when good, god fearing Americans are forced to sell blood and semen just to put good Kentucky bourbon on the table, it seems inappropriate for the president to live in an extravagant white mansion in a fashionable section of Washington DC.” The Senator went on to say “Seriously, how can the president spend a weekend gallivanting up to NYC for a stupid show with his wife when he doesn’t even have time to join my fantasy baseball league?”

Mr. McConnell was not alone in his criticism of the president’s off duty activities. Senator Joe Lieberman, (I) Connecticut, also chimed in. “There are other more cost effective ways for the president to recreate. For example, I have a karaoke machine, and if the president were to come by, say Thursday night, and bring some Smirnoff ice, or maybe a bottle of zinfandel, I know we could have a great time while doing our duty by the taxpayer.”

But perhaps the most vociferous attack came from RNC head Michael Steele. “All I’m asking for is some transparency. Like when he tells me he is too busy to come to my cookout on Memorial Day (I have a Jacuzzi for cripes’ sake) I assume that he is doing boring presidential stuff. Then I hear later that he was playing golf with some of his friends. It’s like, come on I like golf too. I have clubs and everything.” Said the visibly upset Steele.

In response to these critics the president released this statement. “I took my wife to New York because during the campaign I promised her I would. Everyone is still invited to the White House this Saturday for Twister and a Horror movie marathon. There will be punch and pie.”

*Our resident classicist says that this might not be true. Whatever, it should be.

Pardon our Dust

Leslie Fox — Mon, 25 May 2009 22:59:14 +0000

Come with Bernard and Leslie on a magical audio tour of technical mishap and miscomminication. Yes, it’s a mess, but it’s all part of bringing you the best possible podcast. Enjoy!

Pardon our Dust
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Five Minutes You’ll Never Get Back- REMIXED

Leslie Fox — Sat, 16 May 2009 00:34:14 +0000

Like all great entertainments of the twentieth century, Receiving Me? podcasts yield a rich harvest of out-takes and bloopers. And certainly we are not the type to deny our audience the, ahem, pleasure of yet more or our nonsense. So gaze behind the curtain at Receiving Me? studios and into the vast vacuum of our talent. Hear our ruminations on the creative process, on coolness, and on the meaning of life. But be warned, I have packed this podcast with three false endings and no central theme.

Five Minutes You’ll Never Get Back- REMIXED

THIS PODCAST WAS REMIXED BY DJ BURN, AND MAY OR MAY NOT BE BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL… YOU DECIDE!!!

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Au Revoir Fair Safety

Leslie Fox — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:12:23 +0000

People of Philadelphia, now is our time for mourning. Bring forth ash that we may taste the cinder of our hopes and dreams, uncoil the lash that we might dull our existential anguish with floggings, and weep until your eyes, reddened and burning, run dry. Yes, weep; for the oceans of our discontent cannot be contained by mere flesh. Our safety, our last line of defense, has left us for greener pastures. Never again will Weapon X dash from the tunnel and unleash his maddened howl in animal declaration of his intent to protect the Eagles end zone. Now Denver has the privilege of bearing weekly witness to his mutant frenzy. All that remains are our memories and Quentin Demps; gossamer and gruel are no substitute for rare red meat.

Farewell Mr. Dawkins. I wish you health and success in the twilight of your career. I only regret that the Eagles management, in their typically myopic way, couldn’t find it within themselves to allow you to finish your career in green.

From a Fly on the Wall in GOP Headquarters

Leslie Fox — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:29:18 +0000

Gentlemen, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. We just got our derrieres punted good, and it looks like the old pay back leg is winding up for another round. We don’t do something soon, we’re all gonna be standing around too sore to sit.

We all know what happened over the last eight years… The damned democrats used their powerful minority and positive press coverage to undermine our every action. They kept carping about wealth imbalance and massive deficits and unnecessary war and suddenly nobody can remember why we are in Iraq or even what we hope to accomplish there, and worst of all the economy collapsed, just like they planned it.

Now, the American people, god bless ‘em, are normally a reliable bunch. But sometimes they can get confused, like when the liberal media starts telling them that the economy is in the toilet, or their boss tells them that they’ve been laid off and the factory is closing. Well, when Old Joe Lunchbox starts hearing things like that and he starts thinking that maybe the economy is getting a bit soft.

Normally Joe Dirt Farmer isn’t a complicated fella. Generally all he needs to stay happy and keep quiet is a boilermaker and a truck stop glory hole. But when things go wrong, well he starts blaming the first people he sees, this time around it was us. Yup, Ol’ Joe Worm-Harvester is a simple man, doesn’t take the historical view, doesn’t understand that it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault. Heckfire, sometimes Joe Panhandler can’t even remember that Roosevelt was a Bolshevik.

Yes sir, when Joe HV/HC guy gets confused we take some hits. All of us here got friends and colleagues who got tossed out on their teakettles, out there in the cold looking for jobs on K Street, only K Street ain’t doing so hot itself. And I don’t want to even talk about the so called Economic Stimulus and Recovery Act consarnit. Since when has paying public school teachers and cops been the job of the government? Makes me madder than a coon hound chasing a tick on his fishing tackle to even think about it.

Anyway, something’s got to be done. The American people, our people, don’t want to listen to some tired old white boys talking Adam Smith fundamentals while they’re losing their house. Nor are they interested in seeing some decrepit old fogies telling ‘em about a fairytale Middle East where are brave boys kick keister until them A-rabs straiten up, start worshiping Jesus and start acting civil-like. But it ain’t the message gentleman, deep down Ol’ Joe Hockey-Mom wants that message, it’s the messenger. I learned that from double R…

Excuse me a moment fellas, gotta adjust my golf bag, thinking about the Gipper makes me stiffer n’ a frozen two by four.

Now, as I was saying. We got a winning message; we just need a winning messenger. Now here’s where I think we can learn something from the demoncrats. Take a close look at Barak Hussein and tell me what you see… Inspiring speaker? Walks a delicate line between pragmatism and hope? You gentlemen need to look again, tell me what you really see. That’s right, skinny fella, jug ears, not of the Caucasian persuasion…

Gentlemen I give you the next president of these United States, Bobby Jindal!

Octuplets’ Mother Gives the Greatest Gift of All

Leslie Fox — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:45:36 +0000

Nadya Suleman, the Los Angeles woman who recently gave birth to her seventh through fourteenth child, has decided to donate several of her extra children to charity. Suleman, who gave birth to the octuplets after undergoing an in-vitro procedure, has expressed concern with how the economy may be affecting families living in poverty.

“I just know that there’s a hard working family out there that can’t afford to have a child of their own. I think they would really appreciate having a gently used baby.” Said Sulemam. “I mean, just look at, um, Steve? I think I named him Steve,” said Suleman as she held up a girl child, “Sure he’s not so cute as some of his brothers and sisters, but there’s still plenty of wear left in him.” She added that with so many extra children, “I was just going to put them in long-term storage anyway.”

Families interested in receiving one of the children should contact Suleman’s lawyer, or simply come by her house and grab one from the basket marked “Free Babies.” Limit one per household.

I Invite You to Discover Ultimate Refreshment

Leslie Fox — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:17:59 +0000

Hello Friend,

You’re looking well. I see that like me you appreciate the finer things in life. Whether it’s an isolated tropical beach in the pacific where the Sun drops into the ocean just so, a deep tissue massage from a blind Thai girl trained from birth in the seven arts of easing troubled flesh, or a spirit prepared with the finest ingredients to the exacting tastes of me, Hollywood star Danny DeVito, you accept only the best.

Friend, we are friends of course, for all of us who share the tangled path of life and who climb the sisyphean slope to perfection are friends. Sit with me a moment and savor this, the world’s finest limoncello, Danny’s Limoncello®. I have something important to tell you. Something I know you will understand.

They say that the eyes are windows to the soul, and in yours I see the seasoning that comes of world travel and hard won wisdom. In their depths I see the glare of African Sun, the steamy jungle throb of Brazil, and the majestic chill of the Bearing Sea. Their twinkle speaks of a life lived to its fullest measure and a restless spirit, always questing, always curious, always ready for adventure. I see in your eyes what I feel in my own soul. It was precisely that spirit of adventure that led me to Southern Italy, where I found this ultimate spirit of refreshment.

It is there, on the Sorrentine peninsula that the world’s finest organic lemons are grown. And it was there that I first realized my calling in life, to bring this perfect blend of lemon, sugar, and alcohol to the world. Go ahead friend, sniff the label, only the finest limoncello in the world, Danny’s Limoncello®, has our patented scratch and sniff label so that you might sample the fresh scent of Sorrento without leaving your pantry.

Go ahead, take a bottle. I only ask that you remember to serve ice cold, and that you that you think of our special time together as your savor it.

Ciao

Hey, did Danny DeVito come through here. Yeah, I thought I smelled that lemony fresh scent. Always reminds me of my mom, she used to wash the dishes with stuff that smelled like that, which is fine if you don’t mind drinking dish soap or hanging out with your mom. But I’m guessing that you want something a little more sophisticated, something exotic, perhaps something that sounds a little dangerous. And if it’ll clear that cloying lemon flavor out of your mouth, all the better…

Here, let me pour you some Mansinthe, the only Absinthe good enough for me, Marilyn Manson. Yes, it is truly a hardcore beverage. What’s more, it’s always appropriate to the situation. Whether you want just the right sophisticated touch to finish off a dinner party, or a something exotic to take to a goat blood orgy, there’s never a wrong time for Mansinthe. That is, unless you plan on operating a motor vehicle, in which case I should tell you that drinking and driving is not at all cool. I checked with Satan and he is with me on this.

So, what are you waiting for, Head on down to your nearest purveyor of fine spirits for a bottle Mansinthe right now. I promise you won’t regret it, not even as your bones are burned to ash in the fourth circle of hell.

Memo: Paying Taxes

Leslie Fox — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:05:12 +0000

Tom Daschle offered a public apology on Monday evening for his failure to pay income taxes on use of a luxury car and driver, and Senate Democrats rallied behind him, saying they intended to win his confirmation as secretary of health and human services…

Nancy Killefer, who failed for a year and a half to pay employment taxes on household help, has withdrawn her candidacy to be the first chief performance officer for the federal government, the White House said Tuesday…

Timothy F. Geithner was sworn in as secretary of the Treasury on Monday evening, confirmed by a Senate majority that concluded that his experience in government and finance outweighed concerns about recent disclosures of some $34,000 in past tax delinquencies…*

From the desk of the president

Attn. cabinet nominees, executive appointees, and members of the typing pool:

In as much as you are being considered for government employee by my administration I would be grateful if you would deign to pay your taxes in a timely manner. You may want to consider hiring a professional accountant and then giving him all of your receipts. You should follow this up by sending a check for the FULL amount suggested by your accountant, along with all the relevant forms to the IRS.

A few things to remember: If you have someone in your employ there is such a thing as “payroll tax,” this applies even if they are in the country illegally (see memo: please don’t employ illegal immigrants), or they work in the sex industry (see memo: stop using prostitutes). I’m not trying to embarrass anyone here, especially not Timothy, Nancy, or Tom, it’s just that it’s kind of important to pay taxes when you propose to govern a bunch of tax payers.

One final note, if anyone is selling crack, having an affair with a fifteen year old, smoking crack, or euthanizing old ladies please let me know BEFORE the press finds out.

All the best

*Thanks to the NY Times

Thanks, But No Thanks

Leslie Fox — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 00:36:00 +0000

President Obama is working way too hard. Honestly it’s making the rest of us look bad. I just wish he understood how it feels to get out of bed at noon, flip open the paper, and see a picture of him signing stuff. Nobody ever asks me to sign anything; least not since my credit card got taken away. Yet there he is day after day signing stuff and acting important and busy. Show off.

In the war on terror he has mandated that Guantanamo bay detention center must be closed within the year, that the CIA must follow the army field manual for interrogations, and that troop numbers in Afghanistan be doubled. And then without even taking a break for some nachos or a nap he goes and signs new equal pay legislation so that people who are compensated unfairly based on race or gender might more easily sue their wicked employers. Lot of presidents would of said, “okay, that’s it for workers rights” but instead he signed executive orders that restore negotiating powers to labor unions that they had lost under President Bush. And it’s not enough that he’s radically shifted US policy foreign and domestic policy, he has to go and shift our rhetorical stance too. Tough talk and threats have been replaced by calls for unity, and a carrot has been added to the stick. Well whoop-ti-do Mr. President Busy-pants.

But all of this will be for naught if he can’t get his economic stimulus package passed by mid February. Somehow he’s found hours in the day to try and talk Republicans into voting for the package. Fortunately the GOP has decided to fight the bill because it doesn’t conform to their thoroughly discredited supply-side ideology. Democrats have countered by pointing out that if the republicans were so smart they would have won more elections and then they could craft the bill they want, but they didn’t so they can gargle Nancy Pelosi’s figurative balls. It’s kind of tough spot to start negotiating from.

Regardless, the bill seems likely to pass with or without Republican support and, as everyone on the hill is out of practice when it comes to compromising on things, it will have to. Personally I’m hoping that this a political ploy by the GOP, after all no matter what happen is seems unlikely that the economy will turn around before the mid term elections, at which point the GOP can say they had better ideas and nobody listened. Then they’ll take back the house and senate in time to hamstring the package. Ah, who am I kidding, that’s just wishful thinking.

They’re just going sit on the hill wrangling the piddly details and arranging strategic pork and nobody is going to even ask if the package is should be done at all. I guess nobody on capital hill cares about my problems. For example, lets say there are gigantic tax cuts. Doesn’t help me even a little bit. I don’t pay taxes because taxes are for productive members of society, a club that refuses to let me in based on a technicality, i.e. I aint productive. So there’s everybody buying flat screens and new cars with there lovely tax rebates and I’m sitting here watching TV on my computer. Not fair. Now let’s say the Dems get their way and they order up a bunch of government spending. All of a sudden there’s all this government money just looking for a productive pocket to go in and people have jobs and are spending money and the whole confounded economy starts spooling up and pretty soon people stop being sympathetic to the unemployed. Where does that leave me? Instead of being a victim, I get stuck being a deadbeat. I’ve tried both, and “victim of incompetent banks and governance” draws more ladies than “too lazy to get a job or even blog full time” any day of the week.

In conclusion, maybe the fat-cats in DC should do all of my brethren in laziness a favor and stop worrying about getting America to work and start worrying about something, anything, else. How about bird flu, that’s still going around right? If they have to do some sort of stimulus, maybe they can just give us all scratch off lottery tickets. That’ll put some money in a few people’s pockets without actually producing stuff, and empty wealth based on air and imagination is the wealth that will keep me out of the work force. Anyway, God bless America, and for crying out loud stop working so hard, you’re making me dizzy.

Magical Internet Supplies Classic TV

Leslie Fox — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 18:27:03 +0000

I’m sure all of you are familiar with the internet’s ability to supply video. I thought I’d list this link because A) it’s actually legal, B) the video quality is pretty good, and C) it’s a really good show that would be hard to find elsewhere. That’s right, I’m talking about 1967’s “The Prisoner” staring the recently deceased Patrick McGoohan and a menacing weather balloon. It’s the perfect combination of wild, psychedelic science fiction and cold war spy-paranoia. Of particular interest are Mr. McGoohan’s bitterly clipped diction and muscular forehead.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Nobody gives away free entertainment unless it’s not worth anything, they’ve stolen it, or they’ve put some adds in it. I’ve already established that it is both good and not stolen so let me assure you that there are no commercials either. Instead the whole thing is a promotion for the forthcoming AMC remake featuring Sir Ian Mckellan as #2. So go ahead, watch without irritation or fear of computer infection.

Links to AMC in a new window http://www.amctv.com/videos/the-prisoner-1960s-video/

Be seeing you.