Davis, an attorney and an irrationally rabid supporter of New York senator Hillary Clinton’s during the Democratic primaries, has been extremely critical of Sen. Obama, and ... [continue]]]> Acknowledging his lack of support from an all-important constituency within the Democratic Party, presumptive party nominee Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., announced his intention to focus his efforts upon winning the Lanny Davis vote.

Davis, an attorney and an irrationally rabid supporter of New York senator Hillary Clinton’s during the Democratic primaries, has been extremely critical of Sen. Obama, and also astoundingly vocal about that criticism.

Speaking to reporters Thursday, Sen. Obama said, “It is obvious to me now that I have not done enough to win Lanny Davis’s trust and support,” adding as he fought back tears, “He has shown me the many, many, many errors of my ways, and I now plan to rectify those errors in any way that Lanny sees fit.”

“Just tell me what to do, Lanny,” said Obama.

Reached for comment, Mr. Davis was less than appreciative of Sen. Obama’s conversion.

Said Davis in a phone interview, “Oh, so now he thinks that by placating me he can undo the damage he’s wrought upon our vulnerable, quivering nation by denying Hillary Clinton the presidency? I find it insulting - insulting on the behalf of Senator and President Clinton.”

Added Davis, “And by President Clinton, I of course mean Hillary, because she should be president. And Obama shouldn’t. Because.”

Only yesterday, Davis scolded Obama for rumors that he might, conceivably, in theory, place a woman other than Sen. Clinton on his ticket. Davis says now that Obama called him to apologize for even letting anyone think that he would do such an obviously terrible and sexist thing.

“I appreciated it for a second or two, before I remembered to get mad at him for something or other that I had just made up just then,” said Davis, who we had trouble getting to stop talking and hang up the phone.

Caught somewhat off guard by the suddenness of Obama’s utterly unwarranted contrition earlier in the day, members of the press later sought elaboration on what the hell Sen. Obama was thinking.

“Thanks to Mr. Davis, it is clear to me that not only was it a mistake to run adds contrasting my positions with Sen. Clinton’s in the primaries, but to challenge her for the presidency at all,” said a clearly broken Obama. “My entire campaign is a sham. I have offered the nomination to Hillary, which she has so kindly, but frustratingly, refused, and so I remain, if ever so reluctantly, the Democratic nominee. Darn it all.”

The McCain campaign released a statement following Obama’s announcement, excoriating the Illinois senator for being “in the pocket of ‘Big Lanny’” and for appearing “soft on Davisism.”

In a television interview, however, Sen. McCain himself said, “I don’t know who ‘Danny Davis’ is, but I will tell you that Senator Obama ran over your dog and makes angels cry.”

The disquieting news was unearthed as legions of reporters covering the overseas fact-finding trip of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill, found e-mails on their Blackberries containing a press ... [continue]]]> SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - Somewhat calling into question the conventional wisdom of the 2008 campaign, it was discovered Monday that Arizona Senator John Sidney McCain III, 71, is also running for president.

The disquieting news was unearthed as legions of reporters covering the overseas fact-finding trip of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill, found e-mails on their Blackberries containing a press release from the mysterious senator’s “campaign” criticizing something-or-other about Sen. Obama, D-Awesome.

Half-hearted inquiries have revealed that Sen. McCain is a former P.O.W. from some war, married to a woman who is associated with beer, and is a member of an organization known as the Republican Party, also known as the O.P. (the “Old Party”).

Cursory investigations utilizing few resources have learned that the Republican Party stands for such principles as the abolition of slavery, the “busting” of “trusts,” and the flying of the Confederate flag over public buildings.

“I thought Obama was running against Hillary, and I thought he won,” said one reporter covering Sen. Obama’s exciting trip. “Now I’m really confused.”

During his first press conference abroad, the way-ahead Sen. Obama was asked if he felt the discovery of Mr. Mc-what’s-his-name’s campaign worried him at all.

“I honor this man’s service to our country,” said likely-president Obama, “but you will have to remind me who he is before I can comment further.”

Not long after, the man in question, who we have just now remembered is named “John McCain,” took to the microphone at a town hall meeting in South Portland, Maine, where the “candidate” defended his relevance.

“I promise you, I will out-campaign Senator Obama, I will work day and night, talking with the American people, making it absolutely clear that I do, in fact, exist,” said the funny old man.

“My friends, Senator Obama would have you believe that I am not running against him, and that I will be dead soon,” he added. “This is almost certainly untrue, as far as I know, and is an example of old, divisive politics.”

“That’s not change we can believe in,” said McCain, after which many in the small crowd turned to one another, arching their eyebrows and mouthing the word, “What?”

“Never mind,” said the senator.

Statement by Secretary Condoleezza ... [continue]]]> BREAKING - Receiving Me? has obtained a letter penned by Condoleezza Rice, a draft of the letter eventually sent to Congress on the Colombian Free Trade Agreement. This never-before-seen version sheds subtle new light on the reports of Secretary Rice’s interest in the Vice Presidency, but it requires some heavy between-line reading.

Statement by Secretary Condoleezza Rice
Washington, DC
April 7, 2008

This morning the President signed a letter to Congress that will transmit legislation to implement the United States - Colombia Trade Promotion Agreement. Over the past year, the Administration has worked closely with Congress on seeking a way forward on approval of this agreement and remains committed to reaching a bipartisan solution. But let’s be honest, if it were President McCain sending you this legislation, it would be over and done with by now. I’m just saying.

Passage of this agreement is both a matter of national security for the United States as well as clearly in our economic interest. As is, I might add, the election of Senator John McCain in November, but to even bother saying so is to waste time and ink on the obvious, like informing you that the sky is blue. The agreement will promote opportunity, stability, and growth in a key partner - goals that successive U.S. administrations and Congresses, in a bipartisan manner, have long supported. Speaking of blue skies, as I was a few sentences ago, John McCain’s election to the presidency would certainly bring a bright new, sunshiny day to America. Dare I say, it would make this diplomat’s brown eyes blue.

But I digress. The people of Colombia have made impressive gains in building a peaceful, inclusive democracy. Thousands of guerrilla and paramilitary fighters have demobilized - most likely because they are scared shitless by the thought of John McCain going all Rambo on them. Oh my, please pardon my French. Coincidentally, I speak fluent French, as well as four other languages, which comes in quite handy, and is likely the reason I’m a very, very good Secretary of State. Anyway, Columbia’s economy is growing, poverty is dropping, and respect for human rights and the rule of law has improved dramatically. One would be able to say the same things about our own U.S.-of-A. under the fatherly, Lincolnesque guidance of one Mr. John McCain. It is in our interest for the Columbians to succeed - I know John McCain thinks so, and so do I. That’s just one of the many, many things he and I have in common. Also, we both enjoy books, Russian liquor, and the thrilling musical stylings of Yo-Yo Ma. I play one heck of a classical piano myself, but I can also loosen up and crank out some boisterous saloon ditties for those late White House work sessions. I’m just saying. It could really help a seasoned, experienced, war hero president relax after a rough day.

What was I talking about? Oh yes. The agreement will also replace Colombia’s one-way access to our market with permanent, two-way free trade that benefits American businesses, workers, farmers, blah, blah, blah. You know, people make fun of John McCain for being less than a spring chicken, but let me tell you, I’ve seen that man carry very heavy suitcases all by himself up a really long flight of stairs. It was amazing. I darn near passed out I was swooning so hard. And come on, does he even look 71? Let me answer that one for you: No. I mean, you’d never guess I was 53, would you? Of course not. I’m easily the most attractive Secretary of State this country’s ever had, but not so much so that I overshadow the man I’m with, especially if we happened to be, I don’t know, jogging, or, maybe, running, say, together, as “mates,” as it were.

One more thing on this, I think it’s great that the Democratic Party is about to make history by nominating either an African American or a woman for the presidency. I think it would be really cool if somehow the Republicans could have someone on the ticket that cancelled that whole history-making vote out. Can’t think of who, though. Any ideas?

Anyway, I urge Congress to work with the Administration and approve swiftly the U.S.-Colombia Trade Promotion Agreement.

Sincerely,

Condoleezza Rice
Vice-Vice President of the United States
(Because, you know, the Secretary of State is, like, third in command. Very close to #2, if you catch my drift)

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-Paul Fidalgo is a Super-Correspondent for Receiving Me?. He also wrestles Chihuahuas, but doesn’t like to brag. Read his blog at: http://nearearth.wordpress.com