Washington, DC - President Harry Truman was the first US president to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey. Both scrupulous and unscrupulous turkeys alike have been pardoned ever since… until now. With President Bush’s approval rating dipping bellow the approval rating of “Pumpkin” (this year’s turkey chosen for pardon), officials in the White House have decided to modify the tradition and have the turkey pardon Bush. Bush’s harshest critics (i.e. everyone) are up in arms over what they describe as a sinister PR move that aims to capitalize on human inability to discern Pumpkin’s true opinion of the controversial president… [continue]

After the Eagles were defeated by the Baltimore Ravens [cough] 36-7 [cough], some questions remained as to why starting quarterback Donovan McNabb was pulled from the game with the score [cough] 10-7 [cough]. To his credit, Andy Reid explained his controversial decision at the post game press conference by clearing his throat for 20 minutes. McNabb himself tried the same tactic, but came up 1 minute short of papa bear’s mark. Fortunately, he spent the final minute… [continue]

Despite the headline, former Receiving Me? Editor and Chief, Bernard Bygott, has yet to stage his official return to these virtual pages of infamy, opting instead to use his incredible ability to “borrow” stuff in order to share a documentary with “the readership” (Leslie and Pates’ moms)– those lost souls who find themselves here by accident may also watch free … [continue]

One of the abiding story lines of this campaign was the difference in demeanor in the two candidates. President-elect Obama was measured, unflappable, took setbacks and turned them into assets, while Senator McCain often seemed irritated and could be quick to anger. For those who had followed Obama’s political career, it was no surprise that he maintained his composure, but McCain’s campaign anger seemed out of character… [continue]

Wichita, Kansas. A new study has found that depression is a waste of time. Students at Wichita State University are compiling a list of millions of activities more fulfilling than those most commonly associated with depression, namely sleeping, overeating and suicidal thoughts. 

You may be surprised to hear that blogging is on the list, as … [continue]

Chicago IL, Hundreds of thousands flocked to Grant park last night to witness history with their own eyes.  They chanted their mantra into the evening air in hope and anticipation, “Yes we can! Yes we can!”  Finally, after a wait that lasted hours, years, or a lifetime, the numbers came through, ballots were tallied and Barack Obama … [continue]

As all of you no doubt know, last night was the Vice-Presidential debate between Governor Palin of Alaska and Senator Biden of Delaware. It had been billed as the must watch debate of all debates. The media hype machine was in top form, disaster scenarios laid out, perceived strengths and weaknesses dissected, and the importance of the … [continue]

Every so often the duties of writing for an online farce must take the backseat to something of actual importance.  Such a moment is this.  Paul Newman has died of cancer. He was 83.  I won’t dig through the length and breadth of his life here; I leave the trivia and obligation of obituary to those best … [continue]

Washington, DC – Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke called a press conference today to announce to end of our current system of federally backed cash and interdependent markets. Also announced were the end of interest rates, taxes, and civil authority above the tribal level.

“Americans should get ready to tighten their belts and make some … [continue]

HOLLYWOOD, CA - David Spade waited for DNA reports to identify him as the father of 22-year-old playboy playmate Jillian Grace’s child. Doctors insisted that that the tests were necessary because “another man equally as ugly might also have slept with Ms. Grace at some point.”

Grace could not be reached… [continue]