I approach this article with extreme trepidation. Cautiously I peck at my keyboard knowing full well I have no right to be typing. Since the dawn of time, Athletic Support has been the domain of an intelligent and knowledgeable source of athletic wisdom known simply as Brett “The Hitman” Harsch; but due to unforeseen “work obligations”, Support has … [continue]
I had (for a few months now) assumed that Hillary Clinton was the first woman in the United States to win a presidential primary. Turns out, as you may already know, I was wrong. In 1972 Shirley Chisholm took sixty-seven percent of the vote in the New Jersey Democratic primary, becoming both the first African-American and first woman to … [continue]
First our parent’s generation was forced to suffer through the indignity of Dennis the Menace on the big screen. Then the trend began to gather speed and Hollywood realized that slaughtering childhood icons was good business. Soon the list of the fallen included such luminaries as The Brady Bunch, Super Mario Bros, and in an act of extraordinary cannibalism, Star … [continue]
In a new study published by The New England Journal of Medicine, researchers from Balco State University discovered that consuming an early morning dosage of steroids, mixed with traditional breakfast foods, increased participants’ energy levels throughout the day and promoted a more attractive and muscular sense of self. One man that took part in the study was quoted as … [continue]
Just when you thought it couldn’t be done, another super hero movie opens with a weekend gross of over 100 million Washingtons! With Iron Man’s entry into the movieherosphere, we can now breathe easy knowing that four out of the top ten box office opening weekend moneymakers of all time are cinematic masterpieces based on the lives of folks … [continue]
Islamabad, Pakistan (May 2) In an attempt to rekindle interest in destroying the U.S., Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri unveiled plans today for Martyr Kingdom, the largest theme park ever constructed by a single terrorist network. Al-Qaeda is also in negotiations for the rights to the Hammas children’s puppet show series called the Exceptionals.
“The terms of the negotiation keep changing … [continue]
Receiving Me? Editor and Chief, Bernard Bygott has been demoted to Office Coffee Minion after his clandestine plot to pursue an acting career was uncovered by fellow writers perusing the local competition. According to sources close enough to recognize Bygott in a picture (but not close enough to keep their mouths shut so that Bygott could continue pursuing a … [continue]
I was once the proud owner of two well proportioned and, dare I say, attractive front teeth. I spent my life oblivious to this dental factoid; had I known, I would have spent more time smiling, grimacing, and checking my gum ridge for food bits in public windows, but as the old addage goes, “you never know what you’ve … [continue]
Uruzgan, Afghanistan (May 1) Al-Qaeda released a video today stating that terrorist recruitment has been hard hit by record low prices at U.S. malls. In the video Ayman al-Zawahiri says that less people want to destroy America now that the weak U.S. dollar has made brand name clothing available at bargain basement prices.
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