Islamabad, Pakistan (May 2) In an attempt to rekindle interest in destroying the U.S., Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri unveiled plans today for Martyr Kingdom, the largest theme park ever constructed by a single terrorist network. Al-Qaeda is also in negotiations for the rights to the Hammas children’s puppet show series called the Exceptionals.

“The terms of the negotiation keep changing … [continue]

Uruzgan, Afghanistan (May 1) Al-Qaeda released a video today stating that terrorist recruitment has been hard hit by record low prices at U.S. malls. In the video Ayman al-Zawahiri says that less people want to destroy America now that the weak U.S. dollar has made brand name clothing available at bargain basement prices.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA (April 29) - A civil suit against Democratic senator Barack Obama was filed today in a Philadelphia county court on behalf of the United States Aids Creation Guild (USACG). This comes in response to Mr. Obama’s “outrage and appall” at his former pastor’s words during a recent NAACP dinner in Detroit. As keynote speaker, Rev. Jeremiah Wright … [continue]

If you are reading this and you live in America, you might be under the impression that The New York Times, the A.V. Club, and Whoever and Ebert are the arbiters of cinematic excellence and box office success. Perhaps you check Apple Trailers regularly to reassure yourself that Hollywood is working on at least nine super hero movies simultaneously and … [continue]

When traveling abroad I often encountered large groups of friendly new faces willing to share a pint, but the clock was counting down to insult and injury. No more than 20 minutes into our conversation I would be confronted with questions like, “So, you’re American… do you know where France is? Wait… how about Texas? Or Washington DC?” It was … [continue]

In Virginia Woolf’s essay “A Room of One’s Own” she argues that the primary barrier between a woman and literary success is opportunity. Given time, space, and license a woman of talent and inclination can create great work. It’s easy to further this postulate to include all people who have been deprived of any of these things, all … [continue]

A possible breakthrough in the Bin-Laden search has been made by way of following the guy whose been delivering his numerous video recordings. When top CIA executive Dickey Thump was asked why this tactic was never used before, Mr. Thump responded, “the delivery guy just seemed so nice it was hard to believe that he was actually evil.” When … [continue]

(Originally Published February 22, 2008)

So, you need to choose a presidential candidate and you have come to me, the all knowing, all feeling, all flowing source of information. There are many good candidates and the decision can be difficult, but let me offer you some wisdom from the Bygott tree. Let’s say perhaps that you are a McCain … [continue]