Receiving Me?

Religion Proves Religion True

Bernard Bygott — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:26:43 +0000

The Garden, EDEN - In a shocking development, religious leaders at St. Saint’s Seminary School have found that according to religion, religion is true. Organizer, Father Padre Père, long a believer in his own religion, expressed hope that the findings would finally put to rest the modern argument that religion is based on superstitious beliefs that would normally be really silly. “There is sort of a poetic justice that religion proved itself, by itself. I’m not really sure why we ever looked elsewhere in the first place. I mean, historically, science and common sense have been no help at all! We really should have known better.”

The team at St. Saint’s Seminary was comprised of various religious leaders from across a myriad of faiths. Though some killed each other during the three-day study, all survivors agreed that religion was entirely provable. An attempt was made to contact the deceased leaders for their opinion, but arguments over the existence and/or precise details of a so-called “afterlife” resulted in further deaths, only complicating the matter. Despite the prodigious death rate, the outcome of the meeting was described by Muhammad Hammadum Dammahum as, “A great day. Everything I already knew was confirmed by things I already knew. This is real progress, and…” (Mr. Dammahum did not survive to complete the sentence.)

The proof that the three surviving religious leaders agreed on is based on a system of deductive reasoning in which one is asked if he or she can formulate a religious argument that can disprove anything already known to be true. Astonishingly, the religious leaders found that their respective doctrines could disprove nothing true at all. It therefore followed that their doctrines themselves were true– as a false doctrine would surely disprove truth, while a true doctrine would never disprove truth.

Regardless of the overwhelming stupidity brilliance of it all, some people (with brains) remain skeptical. Evolutionary Biologist, Aye Puh Mahn, issued a statement condemning the meeting as “suitable”. Receiving Me? attempted to reach Mr. Mahn for further comment, but (in a completely explainable twist of fate) Mr. Mahn slipped on a banana peel and fell into a catatonic state. A hospital chaplain visits him daily.

We Want Yer Booty!

Bernard Bygott — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:00:47 +0000

It doesn’t take much to anger the copyright Gods. Receiving Me? has been a bastion of illegal activity from its inception. From dropping knowledge bombs on the drive-by-media to other things we’ve never done, Receiving Me? has proudly thumbed its virtual nose at any family members willing to read our thoughts… but times have changed. Apparently, in a feat of enormous irregularity, somebody without actual blood ties to Receiving Me? has happened upon our happy, irreverent, thieving community. This person claims actual “ownership” over material that has appeared in Receiving Me?. This marks the first occurrence of such an admission. We did try obtaining confessions like this in the past, but our attempts were often thwarted by utter silence or tears (usually both). And so, with this completely fictitious history in mind, we invite you to peruse the following letter (as well as links for Quantum of Solace and Transporter 3).

Dear receivingme,
Video Disabled
A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Tom Petty - Mary Jane/Nosferatu Mashup. The audio content identified in your video is Mary Jane’s Last Dance by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.
Replace Your Audio with AudioSwap
Don’t worry, we have plenty of music available for your use. Please visit our AudioSwap library to learn how you can easily replace the audio in your video with any track from our growing library of fully licensed songs.
Other Options
If you think there’s been a mistake, or you have other questions, please visit the Copyright Notice page in your account.
Sincerely,
The YouTube Content Identification Team

They must have missed the article in which Mr. Petty asked us to re-edit his video and mistreated our imaginary secretary, Victoria. Gosh, we miss her.

Now try out these links:

(Quantum of Solace) Make sure to launch the “ninja video helper” as it states at the top of the linked page.

(Transporter 3) Seriously, it won’t work otherwise!

Turkey Pardons Bush

Bernard Bygott — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:54:59 +0000

Washington, DC - President Harry Truman was the first US president to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey. Both scrupulous and unscrupulous turkeys alike have been pardoned ever since… until now. With President Bush’s approval rating dipping bellow the approval rating of “Pumpkin” (this year’s turkey chosen for pardon), officials in the White House have decided to modify the tradition and have the turkey pardon Bush. Bush’s harshest critics (i.e. everyone) are up in arms over what they describe as a sinister PR move that aims to capitalize on human inability to discern Pumpkin’s true opinion of the controversial president. Members of the activist group moveon.org posted their thoughts online claiming that, “There is no evidence to support the theory that Pumpkin supports the war in Iraq or evil. It is more likely that Pumpkin actually is a pumpkin.” However, Press Secretary, Dana Perino, issued a statement claiming that the President and Pumpkin had a long meeting in which it was firmly established that the two share many things in common including illiteracy and silly grins. “It logically follows that Pumpkin is a Republican,” said Ms. Perino. Leaders in the Democratic party were unsure how to respond to the claim, knowing full well that distancing themselves from illiterate Americans would marginalize their base, while admitting that nobody likes silly grins. Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-Nev), acknowledged “Ms. Perino’s statements were among the shrewdest I’ve heard in the political arena… we may just have to admit defeat for a little while, at least until people forget our admission, or, better yet, until the president is pardoned by Santa Claus, whichever comes first.”

Robot-Human Theater

Pates Baroni — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:45:38 +0000

Osaka, Japan - While television and film have long held opportunities for robot advancement in the arts, live theater systematically shunned the programmed players. Today, what seemed a glass ceiling for some robots, and outright bigotry for others, has been shattered with a groundbreaking performance. Osaka University has become home to one of Japan’s first robot-human theatrical productions. The play, written by robot activist Oriza Hirata, explores the relationship between humans and technology. Titled Hataraku Watashi (I, Worker), the performance explores one housekeeping robot’s loss of vocational motivation. Its sympathetic plea to the couple it works for is heart wrenching. It complains that its jobs are boring. Many in the audience, who view technology as a means to simplify human existence, felt their preconceptions were directly challenged. The witty dialogue begs the question, “have we been limiting the great potential of that which we have created?”

Playwright Hirata pushes the envelope further as the robot announced the jobs were also demeaning. This sparks a conversation between the robot and humans about the role it plays in their lives. For the play’s 20 minute duration, the robot searches for motivation, perhaps a nod to Stanislavsky. By 2010, the lead actor, a Mitsubishi Wakamaru robot, is hoped to perform a standard full-length production. Surpassing the robots it grew up admiring, from Star Wars’ C3P0 and R2D2 to that hussy who hit on Paulie in Rocky IV, this little unit is all robot. With software developed at Osaka University, this 3 foot tall yellow sensation has forever broken its social cast as mechanical house sitter and secretary. It even got to wear a costume.

Many here in Japan, and around the world, have been touched by this story. With Japan’s economy officially in recession, North Korea’s missile threat, and a government that lacks cohesion and direction, this proud day for robot acting brings hope to the island nation.

For more information go to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7749932.stm

McNabb Excited for Start of Regular Season

Leslie Fox — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:47:51 +0000

NovaCare Center, Philadelphia PA – Donavan McNabb, long time Eagles quarterback, called a press conference today to state his eagerness for the start of regular season play.

“This has been fun and all, I’ve really had a chance to work on some things, to take some chances and make some plays that you can’t really do when the season starts, but now I’m really ready for the season to start.” Said McNabb

“I mean, I understand the value of preparation and all, but I really think 15 games is a little bit excessive. The roster has been set for like 3 months now, seriously lets get going already.” Added the five time pro-bowler.

When asked about being pulled at half time for second year player Kevin Kolb, McNabb reacted with characterized good humor. “Hey, everybody has to get some reps in. I mean who knows when the kid might have to step in and play a series or two when it counts.” Said McNabb “I know that the fans complain when they pay full price for a game and then don’t get to see their favorite players compete for the whole game, but that’s just the preseason for you.”

McNabb seemed confused when asked about the playoff implications of the 7-36 blowout loss they suffered to Baltimore. “Look, you always want to win, but this is pre-season, it doesn’t count. But if you guys are that worried about it you can wait until week eleven when we take [Baltimore] on for real. I saw some things while I was on the sidelines holding the clipboard for [Kevin Kolb] that I think we’ll really be able to capitalize on.”

The confusion only deepened when members of the press attempted to inform McNabb that the season was in fact well underway, and that Eagles were very much in danger of missing the playoffs for the third time in four years. “Hey, c’mon guys. April fools day is in April, and football season starts after Thanksgiving. That’s how it works. I’ll admit I was a little concerned with our level of play over the last few months, especially because I was receiving game checks, which usually doesn’t happen during the pre-season, but then Kolb got in [against Baltimore] and I remembered that this was just the preseason, and that I should just relax and have fun.”

As of press time Donavan was reportedly planning an elaborate practical joke for Head Coach Andy Reid. “That guy needs to lighten up a bit. I mean it’s not like anybody’s job is on the line or anything. Little bit of shaving cream and some stray cats ought to help keep the team loose and ready for prime time.”

[cough] Kevin’s better [cough]

Bernard Bygott — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:30:55 +0000

After the Eagles were defeated by the Baltimore Ravens [cough] 36-7 [cough], some questions remained as to why starting quarterback Donovan McNabb was pulled from the game with the score [cough] 10-7 [cough]. To his credit, Andy Reid explained his controversial decision at the post game press conference by clearing his throat for 20 minutes. McNabb himself tried the same tactic, but came up 1 minute short of papa bear’s mark. Fortunately, he spent the final minute of the conference vowing to work harder on his [cough] phlegm [cough] production.

In further developments, Receiving Me? reporters obtained an “artistic rendering” commissioned by a high ranking front office person who [cough] “may or may not be both the coach and Executive Vice President of Football Operations,” [cough] that seems to imply that second string quarterback Kevin Kolb is better than the Eagles all time passing leader. While the authority of an argument made via artistic rendering is [cough] irrefutable [cough], reporters are puzzled as to why the rendering was commissioned in [cough] 2006 [cough] sometime approximately within the time frame [cough] Jeff Garcia [cough] was filling in for the injured McNabb. [cough]

Receiving Me? will have more to say on the subject as soon as we’re done clearing our own throats or [cough] things become even more obvious than they already are [cough]– whichever comes first. [cough]

Obama wins Receiving Me? election! (Nader remains hopeful)

Bernard Bygott — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 01:52:53 +0000

It was a hard fought election, but before the fake ballots were even counted, Barack Obama was declared the first African American Editor and Chief of Receiving Me?. Experts agree that Editor and Chief Elect Obama benefited from not knowing or even caring about the election results. “Unlike his opponents, who made jackasses out of themselves, Obama stayed above the fray”, said political commentator Ialsodo Tempwork.

Editor and Chief Elect Obama issued a brief statement written by someone else shortly after receiving word of his victory: “I am grateful, I think, for this honor, maybe. However, this is not really an honor. Can we please go back to talking about how good a speaker I am.” The press was moved to tears.

More shocking than Obama’s landslide victory in an election in which he didn’t even know he was participating, was Ralph Nader’s sound victory in Florida. Apparently, Mr. Nader who had been campaigning exclusively in Florida in an attempt to “ruin the recent presidential election results” for reasons of “there really are none”, unknowingly was placed on the Receiving Me? Florida ballots in an unusual show of cooperation between Floridian Republicans and Democrats who both “hate him with a fiery passion and wish he would burn in Hell.” According to a spokesperson for the bipartisan group Nater’s Haters, the group’s constituents could think of no greater punishment for the man than to force him to run a fake magazine with as many redeeming values as the article you’re reading now. Unfortunately for the Haters, Nader has been stating that the win in Florida represents “America’s desire to free herself from corporate greed.” The Haters point out that this sounds suspiciously like his last three campaigns for the presidency where he claimed that a vote for him represented “America’s desire to free herself from corporate greed.” Editors Note: After extensive research Receiving Me? found no actual similarities in these statements.

Other results were less shocking: Uber-Conservative/Nazi, Freeman Frohlich took Texas, which surprised no one, Leslie Fox took Alaska because he was the strongest female in the field, and Bernard Bygott carried “that part of the map that is always included with Alaska.” (Obama is demanding a recount of the area, protesting that Bygott could not have won a state in which Obama may or may not have been born.) Editor’s Note: Receiving Me? had no idea Nigeria had joined the union. Finally, Pates Baroni, while running an excellent campaign, was unable to gain a majority vote in any one state. Analysis suggests that voters were swayed by Fox’s negative campaign ads that suggested Baroni was a Morlock.

When asked whether he was planning on moving Receiving Me? in a new direction, Obama replied, “To what direction could you possibly be referring?” The reporter was moved to tears. Obama explained the joke- it was very moving.

Obama’s First Editor’s Note: The guy that wrote this is probably just emotionally handicapped by the Bush Tax cuts and the war in Iraq. Give him some time. Things will get better for him as soon as someone who can string together a coherent thought is put in the White House. If not, then he’s probably just hopeless. The important thing to remember, however, is that there is just no possible way that you are not getting a beautiful warm and fuzzy feeling all over right now…. I can hear those sniffles… just let it out… let it out… that’s right… Want to know my secret?… come close and I’ll tell you… a little closer… you’re entirely safe here… just close your eyes and relax… now take a deep, deep relaxing breath and sigh out while saying these words… “life without Bush”…. “life without Bush”… “life without Bush”, feels good, huh? Now just let it all out… good… let it all out… good…

The Eagles Malaise

Freeman Frohlich — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:09:48 +0000

Little evokes the unsatisfying spirit of Jimmy Carter like a tie in professional football. Ties are so rare in the NFL that, league wide, the stretch between ties is measured in years. A certain number of NFL players didn’t know of the possibility of the tie as recently as last week, that number being either fifty percent or Donovan McNabb. The tie seems to exist in the NFL rulebook as a contingency foreseen but hardly expected, perhaps the NFL rule makers wrote the tie into the book to mock the frequency of draws in that other, un-American football.

Last week’s tie feels to Eagles fans like the epitome of a season with little resolution or clarity. The Eagles rank near the top of most statistical categories revered and recent. They have a mix of Pro Bowl veterans and bright young talents in the linebacking core and a punt returner. The team has so far come up maddeningly short of getting over the hump of expectations, losing close contests to then NFC favorite Dallas Cowboys and current NFC favorite NY Giants. Despite the close score and back and forth play of both games, talk radio and journalists out to make their mark have been unyielding in their belief that the coach has spent his last ill conceived challenge in Philadelphia.

The harshness of the radio, and therefore of the frustrated fan, may surprise outside spectators. The city is barely a month removed from a raucous championship celebration. The coach and quarterback have won more games for the franchise than anyone else. These facts are mash for the mill in the Eagles’ news cycle, feed me wins or feed me bodies now!

The easy cliché runs: the Eagles’ news cycle is Zen like, looking neither back nor forward to concentrate on the ineffable rage of the now. Change must come, and the new coach offers the same promise any new roll of the dice does. “Horses for courses” a man who knows colorful analogies once told me. I wonder what horse could possibly survive the run through this course.

Obama has Only One Choice for Cabinet: Wu – Tang!

Freeman Frohlich — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:05:15 +0000

In more civil and banal times, I could get behind the President choosing a cabinet to promote stability and continuity, or for simple political reasons. This is no time for Carter-ian prudence, though. America voted for change. America gave Obama the mandate to bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus.

The voters, or maybe the fates themselves, have already decided how to bring America to the world correct. The RZA. Inspectah Deck. Method Man. Raekwon, the Chef. The GZA (Wu – Tang forms like Voltron, and he’s the head.) U-God, and both the Ghostface and Masta Killas. A robot, programmed at MIT, with an algorithm that simulates the erratic genius of the Ol’ Dirty Bastard, aka Big Baby Jesus.

The arguments are so simple and obvious they almost don’t need mention, but let me lay this down for posterity.

America has called for more transparency in government; Obama was elected as a response to the insular decision making of the Bush administration. The Wu fears no man, and will communicate frankly and openly with the American people. To wit:

Raw I’m gonna give it to ya, with no trivia
Raw like cocaine straight from Bolivia
- U – God, Da Mystery of Chessboxin’

This is no time for America to appear soft. The vice president elect himself, in one of his “Why hasn’t anyone shut this guy’s mike off?” moments, has promised an international crisis soon into the Obama Presidency. The Wu welcomes such crisis, the Wu sees crisis as an opportunity to defeat America’s enemies and take what’s theirs:

Rae got it goin on pal, call me the rap assassinator
Rhymes rugged and built like Schwarzenegger
And I’m a get mad deep like a threat, blow up your project
Then take all your assets
- Raekwon, the Chef, Protect Ya Neck

Even the most virulent hawk can get behind that policy.

The most pressing issue on Americans’ minds is the economy, and you know the Wu will get that money:

Cash Rules Everything Around Me
C.R.E.A.M.
Get the money
Dollar, dollar bill y’all
- Method Man, C.R.E.A.M.

The Wu has mastered every medium they have faced: music, television, movies. They have effectively had a liberal arts education to rival any four-year institution. If the Wu turn their gaze to politics, they will soon make even the sleaziest K Street lobby bow in fear:

I come rough, tough like an elephant tusk
Ya head rush, fly like Egyptian musk
Aw shit, Wu-Tang Clan spark the wicks an’
However, I master the trick just like Nixon
- Ghostface Killah, Bring Da Ruckus

Announce your presence to the world with authority, Obama. Wu – tang!

The Bad Idea Bin

Pates Baroni — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:13:02 +0000

Of those that happen upon Receiving Me?, there are a select few who read the content. Those who read the content give way to an even slimmer masochistic minority who revisit our foe magazine. This piece is for the edification of that slim readership.

Revisiting our beloved site, in search of good material you did not find the first time, is a natural part of the human condition. No matter how troublesome the compulsion may be, you are not alone. Akin to the futile act of manically checking the same pocket you usually put your car keys in after you know the pocket is empty, scouring this site will not cause readable content to materialize.

If you are caught in a cycle of periodically checking our site, here is a helpful hint that may dissuade your Pavlovian tic: We, the writers of Receiving Me?, use only our best material. That’s right, we choose these articles from a handful of even worse ideas flitting about in the backs of our heads.

Here is an example of one such thought I aborted moments ago:

thguartsiD sredaeR :sdrawkcaB detnirP elcitrA

.efil ym detsiaw ev‘I hO .esrever ni krow ton seod kcehclleps ,eton edis a sA .gniniatretene eb dluow siht thguoht ylnekatsim dna rettam tcejbus on dah eh esuaceb rettel yb rettel sdrawkcab etorw reggolb eno ,emit detsiaw fo yalpsid gninnuts a nI

How can subjecting you to the placenta of our publication help steer you away from the site once and for all? Because, it proves that you are getting only the best of our ideas, the cream of the crop, the very first time you visit the site. There is no great “funny” lurking in the shadows. No enjoyable read hidden behind a lesser piece. This is it. Your search is over. The pot at the end of the rainbow is empty and always has been. Now you are free to spend your time playing on Wikipedia.